that children these days are really ill-mannered or simply that there is an utter lack of manners. i am people watching and i spot a p4 or p5 boy ordering popiah. he waves and greets the uncle before he gives his order. i find myself smiling because the children i find myself surrounded by, my tutees and their siblings, find it difficult to even say a simple “hello jie jie” to me. i understand even more so now why my mom harped on manners and made us develop the habit of even greeting our neighbors in the lift. i observe the boy longer and it occurs to me that i am looking a little creepy. then i see him walking up to his father and i feel so tempted to walk up to them and tell his father how i think he did a great job raising up his son to be so well-mannered. 

almost immediately as that thought crosses my mind, another kid beside me demands a $1 from his mom and says “I WANT” to his grandmother’s chee chiong fan. it’s such a stark comparison and at such an interesting timing. the differences are so glaring and i cringe internally at the way he demands things from his mom. why do parents nowadays allow and condone such behavior? i don’t intend to be a parent but i’m certain that i would want my children to always comes from a place of kindness and have extremely good manners.

the thought of wanting to go up to the first boy’s father to compliment him reminded me of a lady i saw when my mom and i were on the train in bangkok a month ago.

i thought the way she carried herself with so much poise (note to self: stop slouching please!!!!) and elegance was so beautiful. i couldn’t stop staring and i told my mom “she’s so beautiful” the way she did her hair, the way her skin glowed and my mom and i were on some maxi dress craze at that point of time and her maxi dress just complemented her whole look. it was insane. i thought of how all those primary school fiction books that i used to read used phrases like “couldn’t take my eyes off her” and that was literally how i would describe it. i told my mom that i was tempted to just walk up to her to tell her how beautiful she is. but i let my self-consciousness get in the way. in the end we alighted before she did and all i did was send her major positive vibes. and also took creepy photos of her hahaha

i’m sipping on my teh bing and thinking that the third time such a thought crosses my mind of wanting to compliment a stranger, i’m just going to go ahead and do it.

would it be an insult to those who are going through real mental disorders to claim that i think i have been suffering from mild depression? would it be ignorant to throw such a term so loosely around or to even allow yourself to think you are depressed?

so here we have it. it’s been 6 years with this blog. i started this when i was in jc. where my writing was flippant and i would lug my now deceased sony dslr around to take photos. it’s been a long time since then. when i started, it was a lot about studies and my ruminations or idle thoughts on what my purpose in life is / what is my direction. my worries of getting A’s at all in A levels. and then came the struggle to choose a university course when i actually did manage to get into one. and then the struggle with university. and now i’ve graduated. 

and now 6 years on, i am writing as an officially unemployed person. i don’t know how it really makes me feel. the past week i wasn’t my self. i was a culmination of all the doubts and insecurities i had with moving forward. i was a cesspool of negativity and utter hopelessness. i still am a tiny swimming pool of that; i have 9 tabs open of job applications that i should have applied on tuesday but today is saturday. do you ever feel like you are a sim? i feel trapped. that i am destined to live this sim life – having to soon wake up at a certain timing to go to work on time, coming back and sometimes my sim meter indicates that i’m tired / i’m in a need for social interactions / i need to fulfil my hygiene meters. sometimes i read a book, sometimes i go over to a friend’s house. but at the end of the day, i return back to my bed. my eyes shut, i sleep, i wake up and the cycle merely changes a little but it is essentially, a sim life.

i feel hollow. i have been feeling apprhensive and immensely frightened. and unfortunately it feels that this blog has journeyed with me for 6 years but i am vastly still the same person; childlike and uncertain. 

there is no ending to this. it has been a defeating week. and i know this is going to reoccur for the next few months and even years to come.

but i had a tiny light in this darkness just now when i read somebody’s blog post about an embroidery that she has been working on. it felt like a spark of excitement and realization that i still want to do so many things. i want to try embroiding too, i want to finish reading 50 books before the year ends, i want to learn the piano, i want to learn yoga and take up dance lessons. there still are many things to look forward to. i just need to focus on that. perhaps this sim life doesn’t need to be so dreary all the time.

a friend whose opinion matters said “i’m glad you’re happy” so i replied thank you and probably added a smiley face. then i thought to myself am i happy? do i feel happy. because at that moment i was feeling tired and all i wanted to do was to take the train back home and sit down on the bed. i don’t know if i am happy. isn’t happiness a fleeting emotion. but happiness is certainly a choice

it’s strange how i used to write so often. little moments – often insignificant – would feel significant enough to write about. 

i don’t know why i’m writing but i’d like to make it a habit again. i was talking to ezzy last night about kindles and reading. we discussed about the importance of reading and that we wanted to cultivate the habit if we ever had children. i’m not sure how the conversation started but it certainly made me want to pick up the habit again. i picked it up in september and i think i should make it a habit again to bring a book wherever i go. finally completed sheryl sandberg’s lean in last month and it really piqued my interest into the whole empowering women topic. 

on my way to tuition now and just wanted to thumb type these idle thoughts. back to reading throne of glass. it is mildly embarrassing to be reading the same book as my secondary 4 tutee. also, i really want a kindle.

we are not even between our first tray of shots. i order a bottled beer and i was thinking “this sounds familiar”. then i realize it was the same beer you took photo of with my face in the background. and for the first time, i admitted that a part of me will always love you. i did love you, didn’t i? despite everything, i guess i did. i guess i did.

it has been a while since i last saw this photograph. it has been filtered and squared; it is ready for instagram. it is strange looking at it again after so long and it feels even stranger looking at it from a third party perspective. this was a photograph taken by a lover. distinctively, i remember where i sat with you, i remember looking at you and thinking that you are so beautiful. so, yes, i did take the photo. yes, it did happen but now i am a stranger. for the longest of times, i succeeded in convincing myself that i didn’t truly love you. but tonight i know with a final certainty that i did. and i struggle with this because i love someone else but suddenly i am unearthing past loves. i recall what it was like loving you and the intensity of it all; it almost feels as if i am still in love with you. then i stop questioning myself as i realize that there are some people your heart never forgets despite having let go of. and it isn’t all that bad.