i am running. i never used to do this voluntarily. it is a result of a negative metabolism and an increasingly bigger belly. i don’t really feel that young anymore or as invincible any longer.
i am running. halfway through, i realise that i’ve just been moving without actively thinking. i created a short playlist on my spotify that is called “CHARMZY RUNS” and it only has 5 songs because the max i’ll ever run is 4 rounds around my estate and that’s about the duration of 5 songs. cardi b, usher and little mix have been occupying my head and i find myself kind of amazed at how i just really stopped thinking for a moment.
i am running. i still don’t know how you came into my mind. i don’t really think of you that often anymore, not since i (and maybe you) had that moment of closure. it’s funny. there’s still a tinge of sadness whenever i think of you. i try to remember all the photos we ever took together but i can’t. i really liked the one where you pretended to eat my face at privé. and the one at the bus stop opposite the one where i alight at whenever i take 88 from bishan back home. my hair was freshly short and we were spending a few hours together after i got back from camp.
do you remember?
i still do. sometimes it’s vivid but most of the time it’s a vague memory that feels doctored in my mind. you made me promise not to delete our photos and i have always been sorry that i never kept it. i know that part of my life is over, but it was still a significant part somehow and now the memories have all been robbed away. there is hardly a trace of the time we spent together because i deleted all our text messages too. and then i thought of how we first started talking.
now here i am, seated on my parquet floor. i have just spent the past 30 minutes rereading our messages on messenger since 2013. has it been five years? at the start, i felt myself cringe at how obvious both of us were being. then i found myself smiling at the random check-in’s we would make on each other. it was so simple and i find myself missing you.
but i am reminded of how you aren’t the same person back then and neither am i. so hey, maybe i don’t miss you. maybe i just miss the person i used to be.