it’s not getting any better. is this all in my head?
would it be an insult to those who are going through real mental disorders to claim that i think i have been suffering from mild depression? would it be ignorant to throw such a term so loosely around or to even allow yourself to think you are depressed?
so here we have it. it’s been 6 years with this blog. i started this when i was in jc. where my writing was flippant and i would lug my now deceased sony dslr around to take photos. it’s been a long time since then. when i started, it was a lot about studies and my ruminations or idle thoughts on what my purpose in life is / what is my direction. my worries of getting A’s at all in A levels. and then came the struggle to choose a university course when i actually did manage to get into one. and then the struggle with university. and now i’ve graduated.
and now 6 years on, i am writing as an officially unemployed person. i don’t know how it really makes me feel. the past week i wasn’t my self. i was a culmination of all the doubts and insecurities i had with moving forward. i was a cesspool of negativity and utter hopelessness. i still am a tiny swimming pool of that; i have 9 tabs open of job applications that i should have applied on tuesday but today is saturday. do you ever feel like you are a sim? i feel trapped. that i am destined to live this sim life – having to soon wake up at a certain timing to go to work on time, coming back and sometimes my sim meter indicates that i’m tired / i’m in a need for social interactions / i need to fulfil my hygiene meters. sometimes i read a book, sometimes i go over to a friend’s house. but at the end of the day, i return back to my bed. my eyes shut, i sleep, i wake up and the cycle merely changes a little but it is essentially, a sim life.
i feel hollow. i have been feeling apprhensive and immensely frightened. and unfortunately it feels that this blog has journeyed with me for 6 years but i am vastly still the same person; childlike and uncertain.
there is no ending to this. it has been a defeating week. and i know this is going to reoccur for the next few months and even years to come.
but i had a tiny light in this darkness just now when i read somebody’s blog post about an embroidery that she has been working on. it felt like a spark of excitement and realization that i still want to do so many things. i want to try embroiding too, i want to finish reading 50 books before the year ends, i want to learn the piano, i want to learn yoga and take up dance lessons. there still are many things to look forward to. i just need to focus on that. perhaps this sim life doesn’t need to be so dreary all the time.
it’s strange how i used to write so often. little moments – often insignificant – would feel significant enough to write about.
i don’t know why i’m writing but i’d like to make it a habit again. i was talking to ezzy last night about kindles and reading. we discussed about the importance of reading and that we wanted to cultivate the habit if we ever had children. i’m not sure how the conversation started but it certainly made me want to pick up the habit again. i picked it up in september and i think i should make it a habit again to bring a book wherever i go. finally completed sheryl sandberg’s lean in last month and it really piqued my interest into the whole empowering women topic.
on my way to tuition now and just wanted to thumb type these idle thoughts. back to reading throne of glass. it is mildly embarrassing to be reading the same book as my secondary 4 tutee. also, i really want a kindle.
was thinking of how there’s so much left to learn and improve on.
i finished reading my fifth book last night and i have been keying in unfamiliar words that i come across in my notes app. i think i got comfortable with the language and i always took it for granted that my english was good but i think it can be even better. it’s about time i expanded my vocabulary. i also got my 15 year old tutee to teach me some bahasa tonight so now i know how to ask her helper to get me some water.
there are so many things i want to do and i feel a little handicapped because the reality is: time is needed to indulge / pursue these things. i’ve had a relatively tough july and august since i started working (was probably still riding off my gung-ho high from conquering feb-june’s back-to-back tuition-f&b-academics and thinking that work-tuition was going to be nothing) and i got rather blind-sided in terms of losing sight of my other intangible goals because most of my time and energy was channelled into being a workaholic and giving tuition after being a workaholic.
i guess a slight progress would be how i’ve been carrying a book with me and reading it while commuting instead of being another technology enslaved swiping drone on public transport. then again, it could be because my data has been on the verge of exceeding since the first week after it resetted. i think i’m truly starting to grasp the concept of making the best of what little time you have every day. and also, to not let the 9-5 (or 9-730 in my case) system have a limiting effect on personal development despite how challenging it is.
this is an odd post; my writing is choppy and my thoughts aren’t flowing nearly as well as they do whenever i decide to type out a post. ah well.
i found myself in the most familiar of places; the popular at compass point. it has been over 4 years since i last came here because i entered university three years ago so frequenting sengkang mrt and then the mall became a thing of a distant past. i walked in idly because i wanted to wait a while before i returned home. i didn’t have a purpose to be there and so i naturally gravitated to the books section. then i saw the return of the little prince beside the lang leav collection. i didn’t know her books were close to $30 and i don’t know if the cynist in me is willing to pay for a book that seems a little too deliberitely marketed as the next indie sad lovelorn poem book to read.
so i found myself reaching for the return of the little prince instead because i remember reading a few pages of the little prince back when i was a kid and i didn’t understand why my mom said “this is a really good book to read, unlike your meg carbot (am i even spelling her name right) book” because i couldnt understand it or i didn’t want to. i found myself reading the whole 150+ pages of it – just standing near the shelves that had the HIGHLIGHTS banner and lost myself in the sea of words. i don’t know how to compare it against the little prince since i consider that i have never read it, but it was quite a blatant life lessons kind of book which was quite entertaining because of how in-your-face it was. but the book also included themes that i resonated with about forgiveness and humility, and these two values (..lessons?) have been at the center of my life for this year. i found myself agreeing and appreciating the book once i moved past the surface flagrance. i was also vaguely aware of many people reaching out for the book and reading snippets while i read the whole thing (and this saving $17 if i had bought it to read at home) and it felt quite like a….. move poster lost in transition moment; where everything is moving, life is in a constant state of moving and unwaiting. but there i was, standing albeit slouching and feeling as if i am at a momentarily pause.
i thought briefly of how transient this life is. i thought of the families and couples that walked past me and i wondered what conversations were they having or why they even were in the bookstore. this life is so short and it’s so easy to get caught up in the worldliness of your own. it’s so uncommon to even stop to think and wonder how the person on your left and right is feeling. did he/she wake up today with a heavy heart or one that was filled with anticipation? i don’t even know where i got these thoughts but i can correlate it to reading. there’s something about immersing yourself in words that aren’t your own thoughts that make you start to consider the world outside your own.
with that said, i finished reading 4 books in 9 days despite the insane deadline at work today. i borrowed my secondary 3 tutee’s divergent series and felt a little embarrassed to carry it around on public transport as i read while commuting to tuition and back home. i have truly forgotten the joy of reading and i think of all the time i have wasted thumbing through my iphone for the past few years when i could have spent the time reading. but if there’s one thing that i’m sure of is that it is never too late to pick up an old habit up again.
for some strange reason i am annoyed. was looking through zihui’s photos and saw the comment you left, decided to click on your username and found out that you blocked me. so stop visiting my blog. in case you thought otherwise, my stats indicate that i have visitors from norway or new zealand. annoyed that i can’t find a safe haven to write and that i have to shift everything to a new domain or move entirely. more importantly, i am annoyed that i’m getting annoyed at this.
i think i’ve rotted enough; spent the past few days binge watching two seasons of walking dead and then googling for the episode reviews after i was done with an episode. it was a good life. i have one and half seasons left to go before i’m done with all the backlog episodes but i think i’ll take a break from binge watching today.
ever since i enrolled into university it seems like the years pass by faster and i think it’s because my definition of “year” has changed whereby i link it to the current year and semester i’m in. year 2 sem 2 felt like it was last year, and now that year 3 sem 1 has passed, it feels like it’s finally we’re stepping into 2016. i don’t know whether that makes sense. it used to be easier to express myself in words but clearly i took a hiatus from writing, but now i’m back.
obviously in my last two posts i wasn’t in my most stable of states. i guess i am constantly in an emotional state of stable/unstable but i think i have a tendency to only write when i’m unstable. and i guess (i used this phrase too often) that’s because writing is my go-to place to regain my equilibrium… and so, not that i need it now, but i wanted to start writing again.
i should be stepping into my final sem but i’m not because i’ve been blessed to be able to put my graduation on hold. i never had the intention – perhaps only briefly in between the demands of school work where i would think “i can’t wait to get out of this hellhole ie. school” – to rush my graduation and to be honest, perhaps it’s because i haven’t settled on what i really want and also that i know deep down inside that studying > working.
and so i wanted to actually reflect on the past year because the past two semesters were a nightmare. i declare (and my close friends from vega know this) that year 2 sem 2 was the worst sem of my life – i took on the most number of cores and electives during that sem and halfway through i dealt with deciding on whether or not to break up and when my mind was set, a new complication presented itself and then i dealt with my own inner demons of self-hate, isolation from people who loved me etc., not being able to separate my personal and professional lives – and i guess when i look back at this 5 years from now (wouldn’t it be cool if this wordpress was still around) i would think that it was pretty stupid but well i was struggling with it, but i’m here now.
and then there was the sem that i just got through. mid-way through the semester i felt myself slipping; not having a good grasp of understanding the modules i was taking. of course i think i slacked too much during recess week – amazingly i think i went on a self-imposed guilt-free strike and i didn’t accomplish anything, and thereafter i had to pay for the consequences with having to play catch-up. i think my university experience culminates into a single word: struggle.
sometimes i feel in control but most of the time i go through every day like it is just another day and that is such an unhealthy way to live. whenever i feel overwhelmed with assignments and deadlines (although they were indirectly my fault) i go on an auto shutdown mode and i think i still don’t deal with obstacles very well. my brother says he’s seen me deal with stress so much better than i did as compared to when i was 18 but well. i think i could do better.
recently i realised that a lot of the blows to my self-esteem is self-caused. i realise that i place crushing standards on myself and i am overly negative. i also realised some things about myself during my last post – sitting on a parquet floor with alcohol in my body and texting my brother was strangely sobering and although i was kind of emotional, that moment provided a lot of clarity to me.
my thoughts aren’t as coherent as they should be. i wanted to write about how although i wasn’t satisfied with my performance this sem, there was a small golden piece of this sem that i am remotely proud of. stepped out of my comfort zone to try something i’ve been wanting to do since secondary school but never had the guts of the determination to do it. i guess the last year of university makes you bold. …… am i being cryptic. well i guess if it’s the time to post a photo on this barren blog then now’s the time.
also i think i use these phrases of: i think, i guess, i realise way too often… my brother is currently studying for his test and he sent a photo of the vocabulary test questions – needless to say my bragging rights and complacency about getting A1 for my O level english has been ongoing for far too long. maybe i should make it a point to learn a new word every day…..
there are just about 3 weeks left until school starts again. taking 3 classes with sylvia – the first and last time that i have ever planned for a class (and 3 classes for that matter) with a friend but i guess it’s good to know that i won’t be entering my classes feeling vulnerable and afraid of getting shitty table/groupmates on the first day.
today i’ll fix up the rest of my nano blocks, get my POSB card fixed once it stops raining and tidy up my shelves. gonna be a great day. oh and perhaps pick up drawing again.