nothing much

a homecooked meal

and your mom sitting at the sofa, greeting you with a huge smile when you’re back home from work


i am honestly confused if i just read my fifteenth book for the year or not.

about 2 months ago i cleared my room and decided to get rid of my smattering jodi picoult and twilight collection that reminded me of my poor adolescent taste. my mom found a christian community that took in old books and clothes, so i spent a good deal of my last 2 weeks before i started working just clearing my room. i saw nineteen minutes by jodi and had zero recollection of reading it before – because i still have about 10-15 unread books on my shelf after all – so i kept it aside.

then my mom told me that on monday shems planning to reach out to the christian community again for a second donation and i thought ok time to finish reading the book. i have a habit of flipping right to the end of every book to see how many pages i have to read before it ends and i saw that the font was big and it was just 500 odd pages – so, alright, i thought this shouldn’t take too long to read.

there have been a few times over the past 2 years that i’ve felt “wow i’m getting old” and reading that jodi picoult book made me realise how my appetite for books has evolved, without really realising so. i think it didn’t help that i had recently read we need to talk about kevin, which also revolved around the same theme of suicide shooters, and that was definitely more enthralling and made jodi’s 500 pages look like honest childplay. wow how did i make that sound like i’m some condescending book critic? 

where was i. 

so i read about 260 pages and all was good and then the book started becoming familiar. it is/was odd that i don’t remember reading the first half before but clearly remembered the second half. which also meant that i wasted 3 hours of my time… in a way, i guess. 

..the long weekend is two-thirds over and i’ve never realised how completely liberating it is to just rest at home, even if it was with a pretty shitty book. 

fifteen books down, fifteen more to go before the year ends! 

also, i think i really may say goodbye to waiflike soon because there really are too many people and too many ghosts who know this space and it no longer feels quiet. 

my friend syl asked me. 

“reading and drawing”

“wow yes it’s as anti-social as it sounds”

have been making reading a habit, particularly when i’m commuting. it’s been at least 2 years since my social media notifications have been disabled and now that i’ve started working, i really don’t want to become a social media slave or a working adult drone. really going to make self-improvement and self-awareness a daily occurence in my life. 

2017 feels like it has just begun. excited for this new season of challenges, learning more about myself through these challenges, growing as a strong Christian and always seeking to be a better person!!!!! 

i took 1 normal grab and 2 grab share rides today and they were interesting. i shouldn’t be writing about how i met with 3 very different personalities since that should be a given but it felt quintessentially so. i guess it’s because most people have the tendency to surround themselves with like-minded people or that friends are usually around your age so the thought processes and life experiences are similar.

so today i had the opportunity to meet:

1) an indian who has a masters but found himself out of a job because his contract expired. he was cynical about how the government hasn’t been doing much to help singaporeans and i don’t know if xenophobia would be entirely accurate but the discontentment with “foreigners taking our jobs” was a key argument. he didn’t even want to admit that he was a singaporean because he was ashamed that he had a masters but he was relegated to driving a grab. 

2) a makeup artist. i noticed her makeup box and confirmed her career with her. we ended up talking about makeup for the entire 10 minute ride. she shared with me that her kat von d blue smoky eyeshadow look was because she’s currently on course and learning how to do stage makeup. it was a really pleasant conversation throwing all the names of the makeup brands we liked around in the backseat.

3) ended off my day with a rather pretentious asshole who is a sgx trader with a law degree. i like to think that i have an awkward button switch whereby i don’t feel awkward despite the silence, so i’m not sure if the conversation was actually painful. when i say pretentious asshole it doesn’t mean that i had a very painful conversation or that he was conceited, i guess it was just the general vibe. it started off with how we both got in the car at the same time, the driver said that he would drop me off first at my tutee’s condo and the other passenger commented “oh nice, that’s a nice place, pretty near mine” and i corrected him that i don’t actually stay that and that i was going there for tuition. i mentioned that i actually just finished one tuition so i was on the way to the second and he made a remark that implied that nowadays people are desperate for money. i didn’t like how he made that assumption so i replied “well i don’t take money from my parents so the money has to come from somewhere” and there was a very obvious silence. apart from that i think we actually sustained the conversation with the sharing of our degrees, where he’s working, where i’m going to work etc. in retrospect it really was a boring conversation relative to the second one, the driver must have been glad to be greeted with the silence in the backseat the second i got off the grab. 

not sure why i’m writing. just felt the need to document i guess.

would it be an insult to those who are going through real mental disorders to claim that i think i have been suffering from mild depression? would it be ignorant to throw such a term so loosely around or to even allow yourself to think you are depressed?

so here we have it. it’s been 6 years with this blog. i started this when i was in jc. where my writing was flippant and i would lug my now deceased sony dslr around to take photos. it’s been a long time since then. when i started, it was a lot about studies and my ruminations or idle thoughts on what my purpose in life is / what is my direction. my worries of getting A’s at all in A levels. and then came the struggle to choose a university course when i actually did manage to get into one. and then the struggle with university. and now i’ve graduated. 

and now 6 years on, i am writing as an officially unemployed person. i don’t know how it really makes me feel. the past week i wasn’t my self. i was a culmination of all the doubts and insecurities i had with moving forward. i was a cesspool of negativity and utter hopelessness. i still am a tiny swimming pool of that; i have 9 tabs open of job applications that i should have applied on tuesday but today is saturday. do you ever feel like you are a sim? i feel trapped. that i am destined to live this sim life – having to soon wake up at a certain timing to go to work on time, coming back and sometimes my sim meter indicates that i’m tired / i’m in a need for social interactions / i need to fulfil my hygiene meters. sometimes i read a book, sometimes i go over to a friend’s house. but at the end of the day, i return back to my bed. my eyes shut, i sleep, i wake up and the cycle merely changes a little but it is essentially, a sim life.

i feel hollow. i have been feeling apprhensive and immensely frightened. and unfortunately it feels that this blog has journeyed with me for 6 years but i am vastly still the same person; childlike and uncertain. 

there is no ending to this. it has been a defeating week. and i know this is going to reoccur for the next few months and even years to come.

but i had a tiny light in this darkness just now when i read somebody’s blog post about an embroidery that she has been working on. it felt like a spark of excitement and realization that i still want to do so many things. i want to try embroiding too, i want to finish reading 50 books before the year ends, i want to learn the piano, i want to learn yoga and take up dance lessons. there still are many things to look forward to. i just need to focus on that. perhaps this sim life doesn’t need to be so dreary all the time.

it’s strange how i used to write so often. little moments – often insignificant – would feel significant enough to write about. 

i don’t know why i’m writing but i’d like to make it a habit again. i was talking to ezzy last night about kindles and reading. we discussed about the importance of reading and that we wanted to cultivate the habit if we ever had children. i’m not sure how the conversation started but it certainly made me want to pick up the habit again. i picked it up in september and i think i should make it a habit again to bring a book wherever i go. finally completed sheryl sandberg’s lean in last month and it really piqued my interest into the whole empowering women topic. 

on my way to tuition now and just wanted to thumb type these idle thoughts. back to reading throne of glass. it is mildly embarrassing to be reading the same book as my secondary 4 tutee. also, i really want a kindle.