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there are many firsts in this post, even before a full sentence has been completely typed out. it has been a long time since i’ve told anybody about this wordpress (no m, you don’t count haha) and it has been an even longer time since i’ve put a photo that has my face in it. so today is barely three days into 2015 and this means that the archive bar on the right is just going to get longer. which is kind of amazing because i started this in 2011 and i never thought i would still be writing (also, wordpress you shouldn’t have changed the dashboard. it’s so confusing and i hate it. best regards, your loyal supporter of coming 4 years.)

i managed to digress…. which is something that is clearly seen in 98% of the posts here.

so. today is barely three days into 2015 and a good friend (no questions who) has left for UK to study. this is the second close friend to leave and coincidentally, both of them were the two main pillars of support for me back in 2011. all the more it cuts deeper, i feel even more than the last farewell in 2012. there are so many things that i wanted to write in that card, many things that i feel more comfortable putting down in words instead of expressing them. and this is how our friendship has always worked; less expressions in person, more actions behind the scenes.

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i hope you know that i am truly appreciative and grateful to have you as a friend. admittedly, i would have never guessed (and i’m sure you would agree on this too) that we would become closer. if there was anybody that i would have really wanted to have stayed back in J1 with, it would have been rachel. i think at the start when i heard that you retained, it neither resulted in feelings of happiness or… sian-ness but perhaps relief that i wasn’t alone, that at the very least i had a familiar face in a sea of unfamiliar ones. and so that’s how we even became friends because before that we really were just classmates (although you hardly came to class hahaha) or acquaintances.

actually we only got closer after the volunteering work experience because we were forced into a room with four or five other people from the arts class. wasn’t that a defining awkward moment hahaha and then slowly as we went out for lunch breaks, took turns to wait for each other at paya lebar mrt, bought mr bean, it got easier to open up and i even shared with you about the cold war i had with my then boyfriend. subsequently when we broke up, you were the first person – strangely enough because it seemed that i should have told my best friend – that i told. i will never forget the patience you showed. how i would call you at the most random times – weeks after our work experience ended – because the loneliness and heartbreak was eating me alive and i couldn’t even stand being in my own bedroom alone. i really just needed someone to talk to, to express the most mundane, possessive, clingy and immature of thoughts. and for somebody that i had only gotten close to in a span of two months, you really endured a lot of shit. it really wasn’t my finest moment, but you really stuck by me. and i will always remember that. always.

then after that passed, even when it seemed then during the first two weeks that i would never get over it, eventually i did. and even when he and i had a year and two months of trying to make amends, you and i both knew how unhealthy it was, but i have never felt that you judged my decisions. i remember how you did ask me a few times whether i was okay or how things were and even if you did secretly judge my decisions (because honestly in retrospect, the decisions i made back then were very questionable) i really only felt that you were concerned. and i want to thank you for that.

if you are reading this, it means that you’re in UK already, i hope it was an easy 14 hour flight, i hope that your accommodation has worked out well for you, that you’ll be able to find all the necessary things to buy to settle in before your lessons start and that you’ll even be able to find non-straight cut t-shirts from primark hahahaha. while i feel this secondhand excitement for your new journey in life, it’s also pretty scary because it certainly doesn’t feel like it’s 2015. all the trips down memory lane (and that’s not even all) that i have mentioned in the paragraphs above don’t really feel like they happened more than a year ago.

so. thank you for being a tuition buddy, for travelling all the way to kovan and back to clementi, sitting through les miserables in the cinema for 3 solid hours and laughing at the most inappropriate parts, study buddy in sajc’s canteen when you showed up for school, study buddy at farrer park and even JURONG EAST LIBRARY when you didn’t show up in school, having an ogle fest at hot girls and taking turns to whisper to each other “eh that girl chio sia”, your ancient hard disk filled with ten good seasons of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, making fun of each other, mostly you making fun of how much i can eat……. this is already such a disgustingly cheesy post and i welcome all judgement but i have to culminate all the cheesiness into this phrase: thank you for being an amazing friend.

and i know that our friendship has never been the emotional or ~~~close~~~~ type. definition: freely expressing gratitude or cheesiness hahaha. and i have always liked that. as i walked into the train that day after we had a good meet up of: sad ramen, sad lava cake and even sadder frozen yogurt, as i felt the weight of the h&m and muji shopping bags you helped me carry the whole day, something ran through my mind and i felt it really summed up our friendship.

also this is going to raise the cheesiness of this whole post by 1000 levels. brace yourself.

i thought then that you don’t really always have to have friends that will be really expressive but that sometimes you need friends who will silently show you support. and you’re really that friend for me.

i wish you nothing but the best, i wish you so much happiness, i hope that you really seize this amazing opportunity to remain positive, determined and driven. i hope that you always remember how you mentioned “just have to do well” when we were discussing about fixed grades, bell curves and graduating with honours. i really wish that you never lose that fighting spirit and that you constantly remind yourself that you have this amazing opportunity and that you really make the best out of it. i really hope that you don’t burn your room down with your “all american breakfast” and that you do really well for these tests because this paves the way for more doors that will open up to you in the next few years. this is beyond the conventional “take care” and “must meet up when you’re back in nine months”. this is a three years old late thank you.

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typing this out with the intention of remembering the conversations I’ve had over the past one week. conversations that leave me feeling very blessed to have met certain people in my life and conversations that have left me to ponder and question why things are the way things are.

the first conversation started off with the idle scrolling of my Facebook and then looking at the viral post of how a woman still chose to marry the man she loves even after he got into a car accident. this followed with the honest opinion of how ‘i’m not sure if i’ll be able to do that’ from my friend – and isn’t it so true – how viral videos such as this turn viral due to very touching nature of it and how people get awe-inspired by the sheer selflessness another human being can show. and it leads to think of why is it that such selflessness is so inspiring – isn’t it because such selflessness is rare and that ‘unconditional love’ is romanticized and a phrase easily thrown about but in actuality there is hardly a thing really such as unconditional love. so when we meet with such occurrences it jolts you (the viewer) to reflect and ponder and for a moment be inspired at how selfless someone else can be. but the thing is that viral videos are called viral videos for a reason. they spread like wildfire and flicker dimly within a matter of weeks. then the hype and inspiration is lost. we go about our everyday lives, living, being selfish, concerned with our well-being, the world is limited only because we let it be and then another video takes us by the fist. and the cycle repeats but generally,
nothing really ever changes.

then the first conversation went on to become a mutual sharing of fatal car accidents involving motorcyclists. which turned into both of us agreeing that car accidents are the worst kinds of accidents and also the worst way to die because of the grief that follows. then you stated how you thought that now was an okay age to die (not that you have a death wish) because you were still single and you haven’t started a family on your own. and then i found myself tearing because in my head i ran through the years and i thought of life without you. and then we took turns to cry. on a bus. with the construction workers taking turns to secretly turn their heads and stare at the two young adults taking turns to tear and then laugh about it, on a public transport no less. that was the night after many nights of not meeting and talking and leap frogging from topics to topics. that was the night – even if we had said many times before – that seals our friendship. you’ll be the person at all my major life events and i plan to be at every big and even minuscule events of yours.

the second conversation panned out in an unusual way with a person that i haven’t spoken properly to in years. i remember waking up and falling back to sleep and repeating this two steps more than four times before i finally decided to get out of bed, and then we started talking out exchange and i told you of how excited the idea of exchange is and how i really hope that i would be able to live that experience for myself. then somehow we moved onto university and God, and we shared our same perspectives of how when we grow older, we tend to make less friends. and by friends, we meant close friends. we wondered aloud and thought of how strange and yet how it all made sense: people gravitate towards those that they can click with, familiarity in personalities that you are familiar to and as such you shut yourself off – thinking and knowing what kind of friendships you want – and it is something that i knew (and am guilty of doing sometimes) but having a conversation about that just made it more apparent; of how judgemental i am as well and how very sad the whole thing is. i think that’s the beautiful thing about the innocence of children isn’t it.

the third conversation began after a few hours of measuring cups, sifting flour, weighing butter and waiting for batter to cool. tired shoulders and a comfortable couch. i don’t even remember how it started but i know the main parts: you shared with me your experience of God, church and cell because i asked. i shared with you how i was always intrigued at how you proudly proclaimed your faith and your blessings and as such that led me to always wonder exactly why and how did such faith come about. i don’t know how long we spoke. an hour and a half – which was more than enough time for the batter to cool – and it must have been one of the conversations that i have ever had so full of sincerity and just those kinds of conversations that makes you feel so at peace at how things are. after i left i remember texting you a long text of how grateful, thankful (and all the other synonyms) and blessed i was to have this friendship and how glad i was to have maintained it throughout these 4 years.

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i started typing this post a month ago and finally got down to completing it. when i first started i remember how i wanted to document all my thoughts because i was just feeling so extremely thankful – and also because i didn’t want to forget these conversations – and again i feel like i am reliving these conversations by finally finishing up this post.

word count right now is 967 sometimes i really like the idea of being a writer

i am having my $3.50 cai fan lunch while typing this, feel the need to write this even though i’m not done with my food because i’m afraid i might forget this: i remember crying until my eyes were sore and swollen on Friday morning till night, thinking that i had a perfect week until i finally ruined the good streak with dismal results for the second semester. then i had to go for trial camp at 0645hrs at sentosa and i had to force myself to leave my personal issues aside because someone close to me taught me in 2007 the importance of keeping my lives separate and it’s an advice that i continue to follow since then. through the camp i saw many things and learnt a lot: how competitiveness has its tremendously ugly side if it’s overdone, times of inefficiency, as well as times of efficiency, how friendships can be formed just by a simple ‘what’s your name?’ and remembering the other person’s name but most importantly i found out how truly blessed i was to have been placed in vega when i was a clueless freshman entering into university. i was never the best when it came to attendance and i only really talked properly to a few people. this trial camp i was able to forge deeper relationships particularly with the proggies; i remember how the shuttle bus was quiet but we all just kept talking and finding out more about each other. it was never tiring and it was very comfortable – unlike some of the vibes that other groups gave. i am extremely thankful to be placed inside vega, i think i always felt this way but i never really knew it until trial camp. i think now of why it took me a year to finally realize this and i realize that it was because i didn’t really make an effort on my part too to maintain relationships beyond the surface closeness. and that’s exactly why i am so thankful for this opportunity of being a programmer. really thankful to have kaikai, BBA and TK for the past few days. (can’t wait to have weiyun back with us for the next two camps) throughout the camp i remember questions along the lines of ‘do you regret signing up to be a proggie?’ and my answer has still been (and i think will continue to be) a firm ‘no’. i think my council experience has helped a lot with this and in contrast to my council experience whereby i didn’t know what i was getting myself into, i went into the responsibility of being a programmer with full expectation and knowledge of what’s to come – and still i am not disenchanted or regretful, in fact i think i’m just even more thankful for this experience because just from the trial camp alone i feel like I have learnt a lot about how to deal with situations better etc, learning more about myself etc etc and it is true that being a programmer isn’t as glamorous as being a GL but since i have been a GL before i thought and i still believe that being a programmer would develop me more as a person, and i was right. also i have never been severely introverted (even though my personality test says that I’m a INFP much to many of my close friend’s surprise) and yet i have never been fully at ease at being overly loud or in overly loud situations. there were times where i did feel that i was being a little too proactive and too ‘onz’ for a proggie but i know that it is just my nature and principle to be this way; i am never contented with just a sub-par effort. i always feel that regardless of whether the role i am in is easy or difficult, i still feel that since i am already being tasked to do something, i should always give my best and get the job done properly.

today when i woke up it was the first time my phone was buzzing with many conversations – I am making myself sound like a loser with no friends – woke up to reading m’s text about the tree top walk and really appreciated how he remembered what I mentioned briefly, talked a lot to sherrie in the morning and again was reminded of how God has blessed me with this friendship, talked to BBA and kaikai, tswift chat, trust chat and suddenly all my feelings of lost hope and uncertainty are really gone. I see how I have been so blessed by the relationships and friendships in my life. (also on a vague and side note, last night i personally resolved to show more love to a particular person instead of resigning myself to giving up)

the funniest thing today is i was scrolling through my facebook newsfeed and i chanced upon a political conversation and read through over 80 messages of endless rebuttals and then i finally understood why i was never meant to do law. I still hold a law degree in high regards because I still strongly believe that the rigor and training required is highly essential and will be highly useful in many everyday situations. I think what really fascinates me is the ability to think critically and it is an ability I want to develop in myself. but when i was reading through the endless rebuttals (that felt like two petulant children bickering at certain instances) , i was reminded of how i hate conflicts and arguments. I’m not saying that law students are always argumentative – it’s just that maybe if i were to be in that environment i might lose myself more often since doing law doesn’t seem to be in line with my character or beliefs.

i think of how my eyes were swollen and i remember talking to my best friend that night and telling her how i always felt 2011 was one of my darkest moments but now i think that Friday has surpassed that. i concluded that the heartache and heartbreak i felt is nowhere near the devastation caused when a person stops believing in his or herself. i remember questioning my very own being, questioning my relationship and feeling an absolute lack of self-love or self-pride. but now i think of how in just three days i am assured and i am reminded yet again of how God has a plan for me. i was never meant to do law and i was meant to go NTU. i always think of how i put in the least effort to enter NTU – settling my first choice and submitting it 5 minutes before the deadline and thinking ‘it’ll be a joke if i got into this course’ considering how i put in such a shoddy effort. and yet in the end that was where i found myself, i cannot even begin on how many times i questioned if i was in the right course because it was the very first time i questioned my abilities time and time again. but it is only through this course that i am able to see how i was never inclined towards finances even though for years i always believed i was a finance person since i have always enjoyed maths. i may not be the happiest with my grades – but i think now that i wouldn’t have it any other way. i remember m and i were walking back from hall one day and as always we were sharing our experiences and we both realized how somebody successful always has a tough experience when they were younger and usually it was due to this experience that shaped them to become a resilient person. and now i am reminded of this: of how if i had taken an easy way out and done something else, i would not have discovered more things about myself – for example how i am really not meant to do finances – and although i really do feel disenchanted (re. dismal results) i think if it weren’t for this, i won’t be the person i am now either. i would be having an easy time and i wouldn’t be learning as much about myself as i am now. (I think i repeated myself there) i remember clearly how i was so close to giving up on friday but now that i am past being over emotional i feel this sense of clarity. i won’t deny that in the situation if i get dismal grades next year again i will be completely at ease and remain as positive as i am now in this blogpost: and this is precisely why i still have half of my $3.50 cai fan left and why i wanted to type this out. i want to read this post again every time i feel dejected because i know now of the plans in store for me and how every single friendship i have made, experiences and opportunities given have carried me to this stage. i feel rejuvenated, lucid and ready to keep fighting.

sometimes i think of the night four of us climbed up the new furnished stairs to see the new balcony and then we marveled at the simplicity of the wooden flooring, potted plants and the view of the neat rows of houses with the soft allure of the sunset greeting us as we first stepped out. i think of the closeness of the group back then and liken it to a feeling of warmth and interdependency amongst sisters who could have outrightly swore that our friendship could withstand anything. and then one of us left to return to korea and then i really understood why long distance relationships were difficult. i saw the lack of commitment in myself to maintain a conversation besides the usual conversations based on catching up. then university caught up with the other two and meet ups became a yearly affair but it was always effortless to fit back into the empty roles we left behind. i think of dark days where i was weary and of the emptiness i couldn’t avoid regardless of what i did to push it aside and then i remember how i didn’t get past it alone. i remember impromptu dinner dates and long phone calls about nothing in particular. i think of four of us and i am a cliche; no relationship or friendship is perfect but i am and i will always feel beyond thankful and blessed to have met them.

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this is how lazy days begin. breakfast with the best friend at mac’s, hotcakes with sausage, yes tea, milk? alright tea with milk (later on i would discover that tea + milk = tea without milk) then we would walk to the national library and pick out 5 books (me) 8 books (her) and find the closest seat to occupy ourselves with the books we picked for the next few hours. finished reading 3 books in 3 hours and borrowed two before we left to stuff our faces with sushi.

good food + good company

got to love lazy days like these

10:15 now as i’m typing this, about 13 hours ago, charlotte asked me if i was free to meet her at changi airport and it just so happened that my plans with sharm got cancelled and i was free from 1 onwards again, so after the first mass dance during open house (lessons ended at 10am but i stayed around just to dance our mass dance) i left with rui because we were both headed for paya lebar mrt and then i met twink at tampines then we headed to changi airport. we camped out at coffee bean, bought a carrot cake for lunch while she had pasta. i did chem and she folded her origami, talking here and there with comfortable silences in between when both of us got preoccupied with our work. i like these kind of friendships – whereby i don’t feel obliged to make small talk first and when i ask ‘how have you been’ it’s because i’m genuinely interested and not because i’ve ran out of things to say. feels like even after not having seen her for a few months, everything is still as effortless and i sink into the same level of familiarity and i feel really comfortable around her.

just some photos that i took today:

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affinity with the number 11 – getting the same table number for both lunch and dinner
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nearing 7:10 a girl asked us if we ordered the cranberry muffin, we both said no in unison but i told the girl jokingly ‘but you can give it to us if you want’ and she ended up just giving it to us. twink and i just stared at each other for a few seconds with a really classic cannot-believe-this-just happened before proceeding to gobble the muffin up before the girl realized her mistake

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10:53 now and my body is telling me to sleep even though the night is still too young. today both sharm and twink agreed that i looked tired and i’ve never had such prominent panda eyes before – only three days of school so far and i am already 28% on my way to become a fully fledged panda…

today was a really good day

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ferragamo red varinas, have way too many red things

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yesterday i met up with char after work for an early lunch/dinner, walked around in circles just talking and talking and talking. today i met up with twink after work again, we had soup spoon then we walked to taka’s art friend to get her brushes and cartridge paper. we delicately pried open the lids of color pencils and squealed at all the colors.. i could spend every day like this. meeting up with my best friends, eating good food, good company, being happy

even if it is without you