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it’s not getting any better. is this all in my head?

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would it be an insult to those who are going through real mental disorders to claim that i think i have been suffering from mild depression? would it be ignorant to throw such a term so loosely around or to even allow yourself to think you are depressed?

so here we have it. it’s been 6 years with this blog. i started this when i was in jc. where my writing was flippant and i would lug my now deceased sony dslr around to take photos. it’s been a long time since then. when i started, it was a lot about studies and my ruminations or idle thoughts on what my purpose in life is / what is my direction. my worries of getting A’s at all in A levels. and then came the struggle to choose a university course when i actually did manage to get into one. and then the struggle with university. and now i’ve graduated. 

and now 6 years on, i am writing as an officially unemployed person. i don’t know how it really makes me feel. the past week i wasn’t my self. i was a culmination of all the doubts and insecurities i had with moving forward. i was a cesspool of negativity and utter hopelessness. i still am a tiny swimming pool of that; i have 9 tabs open of job applications that i should have applied on tuesday but today is saturday. do you ever feel like you are a sim? i feel trapped. that i am destined to live this sim life – having to soon wake up at a certain timing to go to work on time, coming back and sometimes my sim meter indicates that i’m tired / i’m in a need for social interactions / i need to fulfil my hygiene meters. sometimes i read a book, sometimes i go over to a friend’s house. but at the end of the day, i return back to my bed. my eyes shut, i sleep, i wake up and the cycle merely changes a little but it is essentially, a sim life.

i feel hollow. i have been feeling apprhensive and immensely frightened. and unfortunately it feels that this blog has journeyed with me for 6 years but i am vastly still the same person; childlike and uncertain. 

there is no ending to this. it has been a defeating week. and i know this is going to reoccur for the next few months and even years to come.

but i had a tiny light in this darkness just now when i read somebody’s blog post about an embroidery that she has been working on. it felt like a spark of excitement and realization that i still want to do so many things. i want to try embroiding too, i want to finish reading 50 books before the year ends, i want to learn the piano, i want to learn yoga and take up dance lessons. there still are many things to look forward to. i just need to focus on that. perhaps this sim life doesn’t need to be so dreary all the time.

a friend whose opinion matters said “i’m glad you’re happy” so i replied thank you and probably added a smiley face. then i thought to myself am i happy? do i feel happy. because at that moment i was feeling tired and all i wanted to do was to take the train back home and sit down on the bed. i don’t know if i am happy. isn’t happiness a fleeting emotion. but happiness is certainly a choice