um hello

last night was the first time i was honest with you. it’s strange how i always pride myself on being brutally honest but i realize now that perhaps i am no longer as truthful or honest as i used to be / think i am. i guess this is something i have to slowly work on and be conscious about.

so we sat on opposite ends of the bed while we thrashed out every single issue. i shared with you how i had doubts and felt that we didn’t bring out the best in each other and i questioned if you were good for me. my answer to the latter thus far had been a resounding no. but about 15 hours ago i realized that i had been a ghost with you. jaded about the possibility of another relationship working out and understanding first-hand that building a future with somebody could be easily broken down, i stopped putting in any effort. i used to be a giver. i used to talk things out. i used to take interest in finding out about the other person’s day. i used to confide. but for the past 16 months, i did none of that.

it’s hard to explain why a previous relationship that was so healthy and stable could have been easily let go, whereas a shell relationship of ours was so difficult to walk away from. i couldn’t explain it to my friends (thanks char and jo) who came over in the middle of the night to check up on me and i think the most frustrating part was that i couldn’t rationalize it to myself. self-awareness is so important to me and i realize that as a way of coping with hurting somebody (and myself in the process), i stopped being myself. i stopped working on building up my self-awareness because i didn’t want to deal with the guilt i was feeling.

i realize that there are still so many other things / issues about myself that i have yet to understand. i don’t know why my coping mechanism is so destructive. it hasn’t been like this from the start but i know that i was like this even with mj. past a certain point, whenever something went wrong, instead of believing in the person i’m with and trying to be honest or trying to work things out, i shut off my feelings and i allow myself to detach myself from the person / situation. and it’s as if silently i’m waiting (and willing) for the person to give up. i don’t know if this constitutes as “messed up” or “destructive behavior” but at the very least, i think i’m finally acknowledging that i have a problem. i don’t know if i hinted at this in previous blog posts but i realize that whenever i started becoming destructive, i was aware of it happening but i allowed myself to perpetuate such negativity. 

i am not this person. or even if i am, i don’t like who i am now. and it’s going to take some time for me to find myself again. i spent too long wallowing in self-hate and feeling ashamed for falling for somebody when i shouldn’t be. for the longest of times, i haven’t felt like myself because i turned the self-awareness switch off. being extremely self-aware was one of the things that i took pride in back in 2013 and until late 2014. 

it’s interesting because i started this post wanting to write about the first day of my relationship (i would like to think of it as the first day because we finally admitted out loud to each other that we were in a relationship but only a superficial one) but it ended being a self-reflection post. i’ve made too many mistakes and maybe i’m still not ready in terms of maturity to be in a relationship. but i’m going to really try to be myself again. and if it doesn’t work out, i won’t have any lingering thoughts of how i didn’t play my part to make things work out. 

anyway, if it’s your first time here reading this (i gave this link to a few of you) it’s my way of saying thank you instead of expressing myself through heart emojis. i really don’t like telling anybody about this blog because this place is more of a quiet place where i work towards improving myself – but i wanted you to read this because i turned to you or because you knew of the break up on Sunday. i guess this isn’t an explanation or my way of defending why i decided to work things out – but more of a way of assuring you that i’m not acting out of vulnerability and that i’m not making a rash decision out of loneliness. ok it’s very awkward i can’t think of a way of ending this post – see that’s why i don’t tell anybody. ok bye 

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