recognising small wins

as i was sitting on the bus, i recalled how i read that people of our generation just can’t seem to put our phones away. we are unable to sit still without using our phones, scrolling through our various social media pages and we don’t allow ourselves time to get lost in our thoughts or get bored. i then put my phone away and it felt really refreshing. the 20 minutes bus ride felt like an hour of self-discovery. i thought of so many things i wanted to write about and i also realised that by having an urge to write, it was a big step (and sign) that i am moving forward and closer to finding myself again.

before i had put my phone away, i was rereading my old blog posts all the way until my pre-university days. it was strange and it was (and still is actually) rather disconcerting that i didn’t remember writing some posts. i read a few posts in 2014 and i realised that i used to be mistaken about being in a rut. there were so many things that i wanted to achieve and i wrote about this over the years and i finally realised that i have actually achieved a few small milestones that i set out for myself.

i wanted to learn how to sew and this year, i sewed two sets of clothing for a dance competition i entered. i won’t claim a 10/10 for my sewing skills, but at least i’m no longer a complete idiot. on the same note, since i was 12, i had always admired dancers and felt embarrassed about how wooden i was when i tried to dance. i remember feeling a tinge of jealousy and even bitterness when i was one of the few in council who was not selected to be in any other dance item for our council teacher day’s item. i wanted to improve and not feel that entirely useless. last year, i joined my hall for a short dance performance during the cultural night and this year, i joined HOCC – something that i’ve always wanted to try earlier but i allowed my fears of not being good enough to get in the way.

i also said in november 2014 that i wanted to learn 3 languages and as of now, i’ve still only learnt thai. i dabbled a bit in german but i gave up halfway. i plan to pick it up again one day. i also learnt to master one language at a time. last year, i completed thai level 2 at ease possibly because of my 2.5 months in bangkok and next year, i’m excited to take thai level 3. i plan to also self-learn because i can’t just sit around and wait for the next level. after thai, i plan to learn malay because my family members know the language so at least i get to practice the language with them. it was actually a plan over the summer break to learn malay by myself and relearn finance basics because i had it with feeling dejected about my weakness…… but i spent 11 weeks slothing around. if i could write a CV regarding my past 11 weeks since exams ended it would be this:

summer break experiences:
(1) big bang theory seasons 5 – 9
(2) orange is the new black season 4
(3) rewatching the hunger games movie 1 & 2
(4) finding nemo
(5) finding dory
(6) the last ship season 1

…. and there is definitely at least 10 other bullet points of shows or movies that i have watched but i can’t seem to recall right now. i don’t know what happened to my ambitious summer plans and i don’t know if i should actually feel guilty. question: is it really that wrong to be a sloth? after reading all my old posts, it got even more apparent that i am always fighting an inner war of keeping myself busy and feeling bad if i allowed myself to rest.

anyway i guess it also relates to the title of this post. i don’t know if sometimes i’m just being overly hard on myself or not. but certainly i don’t celebrate the small wins that i’ve managed to achieve nearly as enough.
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i also wrote about how i stopped reading and drawing but i picked up the latter a few weeks ago. i also took time off yesterday to do up a card for my aunt because i wanted to show her how appreciative i am of her love and support to me. not sure if it counts as a subset of drawing but i shall take it that it is. i haven’t really picked up reading again but i started on a few pages of a book that i started on new years eve while waiting for watch night service to start last year and i plan to complete it before internship starts.

i don’t think my enthusiasm shows in this post but it feels like a fresh start. it’s been less than 6 hours since my previous post, but i feel like a new person. perhaps it’s because i finally came to terms with all the emotional baggage i’ve been carrying. i’ve had way too many negative and heavy posts in this wordpress. there are so many other things that i thought of writing and i typed them down in my notes app. for the first time ever (or at least for the first time in a really really long time), i feel excited about all the time i still have to continue to work on myself.

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