you. yes, you.

i am thinking of off-colored maroon tiles. doing shot guns or at least attempting to. i remember the quiet hum of alcohol working its way up my arms. my neck. and my ears. i remember feeling free. and happy. i vaguely recall what it’s like to say i love you. what it’s like to shout it out loud and to see your smile. these are memories that are resurfacing for now and these are the good ones.

but what i also remember is

sitting quietly on a plastic chair. recognising faces that my photographic memory has stored from your social media account. feeling a little sick and wanting to find an excuse to use the restroom. but honestly how many times can you go inside to repeatedly wash your hands. i remember watching you lead your best friend and your childhood friend to the room behind. and it felt like hours before you returned. i remember walking to the room and looking at you from afar; laughing and having a seemingly interesting conversation that i could not hear. i remember feeling like a complete outsider that night and feeling like it was quite a through-the-looking-glass experience. how do i stop feeling this way; looking at somebody who i love and who says he loves me but sometimes it feels like he is a stranger. 

i can’t find the right words. these memories feel stolen but i know that they are mine. i am distant, detached and at my most unfeeling again. so why am i remembering you?

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