i tried to search my archives for the last time i ever wrote about you. i think it was in december. or was it in october. i don’t know how we stopped talking but i know that it must have stopped because i decided to stop whatever it was that we were trying to begin. and i regret not ending things properly because i’m uncertain on how this felt for you. but we tried so many times and each time it felt like something was amiss and something was never quite right. i think at least it was that way for me.
i was also aware that you always wanted a place in my life and disgustingly enough, i exploited that. i only talked to you when there was a void in my heart because i knew you would be all too ready to fill up the gaps. you were there whenever i wanted and needed you to be. and this selfishness was only something that i realised towards the end. and that was the reason why i decided to stop seeking you out. your presence was always comforting. or was it the fact that i knew you always wanted me in your life that was comforting? i liked the familiarity that you gave me. we could be strangers for months (because i had there priorities and you were at the bottom of the list) but when things fell apart, you were always there to pick up the pieces. and i always felt awful and eventually grew in awareness of my own selfishness and unfairness towards you, but there was something inexplicable about us that always reconnected us.
and so a small flame felt like it was lit up in my heart. knowing that i would see you again on saturday night. but this was a reunion of the saddest reasons. i remember the sudden pangs of deja vu as we drove past your block. and it felt as if the box of memories from when i was 16 decided to unwrap itself as i remember walking with you to your house. i remember you showing me your room and us just using your computer. i remember that you told me that your mom nearly caught you smoking and the way you mimicked the tone she uses when she nags. and as i felt myself gingerly walking to the brightly fluorescent lit wake, your face was the first that i saw. you looked visibly worn out and tiredness was written all over your face. i had so many questions in my head but all i did was give you a hug and i don’t remember what were the first few words i said to you after these 5 years.
this isn’t a post of rekindling old loves. seeing you just brought on a wave of nostalgia and i wished that we weren’t meeting for the first time in a long time for those reasons. but it felt like this is the way life is going. we talked about how it used to be 21st birthday party invitations and then marriage invitations and now, the new norm would be in paying respects to somebody’s loved one. you told me that you have been meaning to catch up and you told me that we should after things have settled on your end. i thought that it sounded good. because this time, you have finally found somebody who loves you the way you should have been loved. and i was happy that you’re in a stable relationship whereas i haven’t even crossed the 2 year mark before.
i looked at you and i thought of how it’s so possible to still love and care for somebody you loved before. it also hit me that you are the only one that i have stayed amicable with and it’s strangely bittersweet because you were the first person i was together with. the funny thing is that when people ask me of my exes i don’t even think of you. i don’t see it as a “i loved you” thing that went on between us – at least for my part. it never felt like the kind of love that just swept me away. i think it had to do with how young we were and how it was never really considered a mature relationship whereby we experienced growth and shared more in-depth experiences together. regardless, i know that i always cared deeply and that you always had a special place reserved in my life.
and so, just when i thought i had lost touched in writing, here i am again. adding a new archive link to the right sidebar for 2016. all thanks to the first boy who loved me.