struggling, struggled

i think i’ve rotted enough; spent the past few days binge watching two seasons of walking dead and then googling for the episode reviews after i was done with an episode. it was a good life. i have one and half seasons left to go before i’m done with all the backlog episodes but i think i’ll take a break from binge watching today.

ever since i enrolled into university it seems like the years pass by faster and i think it’s because my definition of “year” has changed whereby i link it to the current year and semester i’m in. year 2 sem 2 felt like it was last year, and now that year 3 sem 1 has passed, it feels like it’s finally we’re stepping into 2016. i don’t know whether that makes sense. it used to be easier to express myself in words but clearly i took a hiatus from writing, but now i’m back.

obviously in my last two posts i wasn’t in my most stable of states. i guess i am constantly in an emotional state of stable/unstable but i think i have a tendency to only write when i’m unstable. and i guess (i used this phrase too often) that’s because writing is my go-to place to regain my equilibrium… and so, not that i need it now, but i wanted to start writing again.

i should be stepping into my final sem but i’m not because i’ve been blessed to be able to put my graduation on hold. i never had the intention – perhaps only briefly in between the demands of school work where i would think “i can’t wait to get out of this hellhole ie. school” – to rush my graduation and to be honest, perhaps it’s because i haven’t settled on what i really want and also that i know deep down inside that studying > working.

and so i wanted to actually reflect on the past year because the past two semesters were a nightmare. i declare (and my close friends from vega know this) that year 2 sem 2 was the worst sem of my life – i took on the most number of cores and electives during that sem and halfway through i dealt with deciding on whether or not to break up and when my mind was set, a new complication presented itself and then i dealt with my own inner demons of self-hate, isolation from people who loved me etc., not being able to separate my personal and professional lives – and i guess when i look back at this 5 years from now (wouldn’t it be cool if this wordpress was still around) i would think that it was pretty stupid but well i was struggling with it, but i’m here now.

and then there was the sem that i just got through. mid-way through the semester i felt myself slipping; not having a good grasp of understanding the modules i was taking. of course i think i slacked too much during recess week – amazingly i think i went on a self-imposed guilt-free strike and i didn’t accomplish anything, and thereafter i had to pay for the consequences with having to play catch-up. i think my university experience culminates into a single word: struggle.

sometimes i feel in control but most of the time i go through every day like it is just another day and that is such an unhealthy way to live. whenever i feel overwhelmed with assignments and deadlines (although they were indirectly my fault) i go on an auto shutdown mode and i think i still don’t deal with obstacles very well. my brother says he’s seen me deal with stress so much better than i did as compared to when i was 18 but well. i think i could do better.

recently i realised that a lot of the blows to my self-esteem is self-caused. i realise that i place crushing standards on myself and i am overly negative. i also realised some things about myself during my last post – sitting on a parquet floor with alcohol in my body and texting my brother was strangely sobering and although i was kind of emotional, that moment provided a lot of clarity to me.

my thoughts aren’t as coherent as they should be. i wanted to write about how although i wasn’t satisfied with my performance this sem, there was a small golden piece of this sem that i am remotely proud of. stepped out of my comfort zone to try something i’ve been wanting to do since secondary school but never had the guts of the determination to do it. i guess the last year of university makes you bold. …… am i being cryptic. well i guess if it’s the time to post a photo on this barren blog then now’s the time.

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also i think i use these phrases of: i think, i guess, i realise way too often… my brother is currently studying for his test and he sent a photo of the vocabulary test questions – needless to say my bragging rights and complacency about getting A1 for my O level english has been ongoing for far too long. maybe i should make it a point to learn a new word every day…..

there are just about 3 weeks left until school starts again. taking 3 classes with sylvia – the first and last time that i have ever planned for a class (and 3 classes for that matter) with a friend but i guess it’s good to know that i won’t be entering my classes feeling vulnerable and afraid of getting shitty table/groupmates on the first day.

today i’ll fix up the rest of my nano blocks, get my POSB card fixed once it stops raining and tidy up my shelves. gonna be a great day. oh and perhaps pick up drawing again.

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