i turn to alcohol. it’s been a long time since i turned to alcohol to forget. i feel it but i’m fighting – and i’m winning. i text my brother and we have a semi-heart to heart talk (i say semi because i am 20% high) and i start tearing. ever since the break-up, i haven’t been the same; alcohol isn’t an avenue to let loose and have fun – instead it’s an avenue to share my deepest thoughts. i thought of you when we played king’s cup last night. you’d be proud to know that i controlled myself well tonight despite downing a lot of shots and beer. perhaps i shouldn’t use the word “proud” i don’t know any longer what you should or what you shouldn’t feel. but two night ago i asked myself “was it real” and i couldn’t decide if it was a no. i am convinced that i am somebody who is difficult to be with. but if i were to be honest, i wouldn’t choose to do this alone.