what is going on

i have two papers next wednesday and i am feeling sick. not physically unwell, but sick in the gut.

i woke up at 0930 and decided to just sleep a little more, and that ended up being until 1144. thereafter i used my phone until 1215 and finally got my ass up to shower and then i headed out to grab a salad.

i am supposed to leave the comforts of my room now to go for my law consultation but instead i used web.whatsapp and told my group mates that i won’t be joining them.

i am sick. because the person i used to be at 16 used to bother. about examinations. i used to relish in completing an entire assessment book and it was easy to swallow the information spewing out from my textbooks.

recently i have been unable to focus. i read my textbooks and lecture notes and i don’t process the words. i don’t absorb them, i can’t remember them and when i sit for an exam, i am only able to skim the surface and the answers i write down are poorly elaborated. i give up too easily.

sylvia told me a few weeks back that if she has to think of an adjective to describe me it would either be driven or determined. and in my head, i thought that was sad. i am not who people think i am.

i texted my brother “do i have adhd” and he said it’s not plausible because if i was, then i wouldn’t have been able to do maths. and really, that’s the only thing i actually enjoy doing. i love reading too, but perhaps all i’ve done since i entered junior college is allow laziness to dull my love for it. and i love drawing but it’s been years since i picked up my pencil.

i don’t have a proper conclusion to this.

i feel confused at my lack of motivation. at my lack of urgency. at the depths of my procrastination – but is it still called procrastination if you don’t give a fuck anymore. i feel lost.

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