I am sad. and most of my writing is always fueled by sadness. I am sad and I feel that I have been sad for a while.
tonight I told you all the things I have been feeling. demons that I have wrestled with since late 2011. he really did a number on me, and his ghost still haunts every relationship since he left in January 2013. I am convinced that I am a slowly ticking time bomb and that eventually the people who say they love me will leave. I hate the whole “I love you” phrase because it is such an easy commitment to profess but it’s one of the easiest to break. I am convinced that I am not a good person to be with. Sometimes I feel great being alone; I relish in the feeling of being in control, being independent and having freedom. But mostly I feel vulnerable because I am waiting for the day where you discover all the demons I wrestle with in my head and decide that they are too many for you to handle.
and I am so negative that I am the spokesperson of pessimism. now I realize that I have became exactly like his ghost; negative, pessimistic and absolutely tiring to be with.
tonight i walked down the long sheltered pathway – you know the one from my old block all the way to the sign that says NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF EDUCATION – with a heavy heart and the last time i took this route feeling something like this, it was after i walked away from our last confrontation. for the past five months i have done my best to suppress these memories; to forget the way you grabbed my arm when i wanted to leave, the way you looked when you told me how much I’ve hurt you and basically how broken you looked that night and the nights before that.
so tonight i am thinking of you and I try not to because whenever I do I just feel like an awful person. I feel wrong for feeling happy. so perhaps all I’ve been is selfish from the start. if you’re reading this, thank you – because I guess a part of you still wonders how I’m doing even after everything that has happened – I don’t deserve your care or concern. I hope you’re doing well and I’m sorry.
i am sitting on one of the benches at HSS and after an entire summer (and a semester) i am finally thinking again: what is it that i want to do. and strangely enough these thoughts are resurfacing again because of the viral news of NUS medical school having a more diverse student mix. in between reading the article, I felt a pang of jealousy because the new interviewing system certainly sounds fairer and I couldn’t help but wonder if I would be able to make the cut. medical school was a dream back in junior college; but if I were to be honest, it was never mine. my parents have always held the professions of being a doctor or lawyer in high regard and having a family of doctors and lawyers definitely played a huge role in the goal of wanting to go to medical school. as to “why medical school?” (or why law school for that matter) an obvious sign that these aspirations were not mine was only made apparent to me years later when I realized that I was always unable to find an answer beyond the typical textbook answer of “I want to help people” – I didn’t truly desire to be a doctor or lawyer beyond the material pursuit and I was unable to provide a concrete or substantial reason to back my misguided goal.
however yesterday my mom brought me to the national skin center and the doctor that i saw – made me realize the deeper and profound meaning to “I want to help people” – for months I felt my self-esteem progressively dip lower and I could emphasise with people who had less than stellar complexions. I hated looking at myself in the office lift mirrors and I tried not to look up as I washed my hands in the office restrooms (or any restrooms for that matter) and after my doctor’s appointment I’m finally feeling less dejected. more importantly it was how he answered all my questions patiently and bothered to explain medical jargon and which type of medicine I should take that made me feel assured that my skin will get better. I found myself thinking that if I were to ever read medicine, specializing in skin (is the proper term dermatology?) would be a field I would be interested in.
also it’s been ages since I’ve typed a blog post and it’s time to start thinking – and most importantly planning – what I would really like to do in the future.
tonight you walk into my room and i read the body language of folded arms and a less than sanguine expression then i think “here it comes” and i was right.
once again you bring him up and expertly shove your insults of him down my throat. i feel sick inside and i’m thinking that even after i chose to walk away, his ghost still haunts me and leaves a bitter aftertaste all because of you. i hear your usual string of well packaged insults that are subtle but they still sting and hurt just like they did slightly less than a year ago. then i relieve the whole agony of feeling torn apart, having to sit through countless of talks which were basically break-up propaganda, realizing all his flaws because you made them so glaringly obvious and eventually you did it. i couldn’t look at him the same way, i couldn’t feel the same way.
i will never forget this.