she asked me “what is it that you are afraid of?” and it takes me a while to gather my thoughts. i answered “the distance” in the end because those two words seem to sum everything up neatly. i am afraid of the time difference, the lack of communication, being abandoned, being forgotten and the absence of: feeling his skin on my fingertips, playing with his hair and ruffling it up, warm hugs, having a physical presence, coming back after a long day to see his face. so i feel myself building up walls of misery and i shut everybody out. now, i get a head start on being comfortable with the loneliness and this is a crash course of being abandoned 101. i feel miserable but at the very least, i am no longer a prisoner to dependency.