spelling it out

i don’t need a while or three days. i already know the flaws in my defense mechanism and why it even exists. i watched him walk away thrice whenever reality started to set in. it really isn’t that easy. managing insecurities, disappointment, miscommunication or hurt. and i have seen and felt the loss, every damn time he decided to take the easy way out and leave. and i know that he is he and that you are you. but i am afraid of ever letting anybody destroy me that way again. so i created this idealistic version of myself: charmaine version 2.0. and with time, i became more comfortable with being alone, being able to fall asleep and not waking up feeling like death, i built up fortresses around myself with reminders of never to be the person i used to be. and then i met you. and slowly i allowed myself to love wholeheartedly but i slip into the cracks of my previous self. and i am 22 this year but i am still a child. i push you away and i let thoughts revolving around “this isn’t working out” to consume me because i want to see if you will leave. and as for tonight, you stayed. but you are making a mistake.

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