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Monthly Archives: December 2014

this was actually typed out on 8th of august and i never got about to finish it.

everything in a chronological order: waking up at 0730hrs, realizing that my mental calculation was overestimated and that i only needed to wake up at 0830hrs, getting up anyway and then leaving the house one and half hours later, still getting a kick out of overtaking office ladies who walk with small weary steps (acknowledging that this smugness is extremely childish and that this is highly likely to happen to me 10 years later) reaching the train station and then walking into breadtalk to get both breakfast and lunch and deciding after three minutes that the variety in breadtalk wasn’t worth the six dollars and proceeded to the less expensive option of neighborhood baked buns (one major takeaway from NBS camp: discovering the treasure that is “golden triangle”) which is at least thirty to forty cents cheaper than lackluster breadtalk buns (the only redeeming buns: breadtalk sugar donuts and their curry naan) which i couldn’t afford…..so in fergie’s words: if you ain’t got no money you’re a broke ass bitch.

chose four buns thinking 2 for breakfast 2 for lunch seems alright my stomach will be satisfied until jessica’s 21st party at night and then walking to the cashier, laid down my three $2.00 notes and asked 是六块对吗?and then being told that it was $6.10 – i do not have any other cash in my hand (re. in fergie’s words) and told the cashier gesturing to the chicken & ham bun 那个可以帮我放回去吗?对不起 and to my surprise – is she even allowed to do that – she waived the $0.10 off and let me walk out with all four chosen buns wow that really made my morning. also i did think of how there must be people who do the same thing but under disguises with the intention of really not paying a few cents more – in business sense i am thinking what is the cashier’s number limit to allowing how many people like myself to walk off without paying the extra cent(s) and just wondering how often does this happen (i’m pretty sure breadtalk doesn’t allow that) but hey if it’s a marketing gimmick to win loyalty – i’m sold. take all my bread money. i will only patronize breadtalk for it’s curry naan and sugar donuts.

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eleven months ago i declared my independence and when i heard the sound of those four syllables, i felt proud and self-assured. i was like the latest iOS version; with updates, upgrades but admittedly never the best possible version.

and now. i thumb through the pages of fictional characters, aware of the present irony, trying to feel at peace with this loneliness, feel at ease at being in my own skin and that my identity belongs to me. it is difficult to make the same declaration i did eleven months ago with the same amount of definiteness and i think often i find myself deliberitely wanting to detach and be aloof because it makes me feel less vulnerable.

it’s frightening how dependent you can be on people.

the past one and a half days i found my way back to an old friend: reading. made a last minute decision to bring along one of the books from my growing stack of books i have bought but haven’t had the opportunity to indulge in. chose freedom by jonathan franzen because it had one of the most pages and i rediscovered why i love reading (and also questioned why i allowed myself to stop) again. i am always amazed at the visual…… stimulation as if i am inside the lives of the characters and watching every page unfold from a third person perspective. and then i understand fully the fascination i have with reading. i immerse myself fully in the sea of words, concern myself with the lives of other fictional beings and even if it is for that moment, i allow myself to forget about my own.

here’s what you shouldn’t do: bring up her past failures and shove them in her face. each time it gets more predictable but your words still have an effect. this is where it hits her: you will never be satisfied. each time you claim the slate is wiped clean and it feels like a brand new start. then something happens and you easily turn around and list down past misunderstandings, trivial matters and wrong doings to build up your arsenal. what is it that you want to hear, really? an apology. or to hear that you’ve won.

you win. you always win. but you don’t win anything at all.