i haven’t felt this vulnerable before (or at least, not in a very long time); so open and willingly allowing myself to let another person use words as a convenient way to cast uncertainty within my heart. tonight i find myself trying to replay the afternoon tapes and reanalyzing the reactions, facial expressions and how it was borderline disconcerting that it was really a classic case of hearing vs. listening. now i know what all of it meant and i can’t help but feel extremely frivolous, judged and that the whole notion of being that comfortable with someone is really nothing but an illusion.
i’d really like to be alone for a while.
for some reason i felt the compelling urge to start typing a post while i am currently in my 3 hour long philosophy seminar
in the morning i bumped into two ghosts from my secondary school days – not particularly nice ghosts that i would like to see again – and i recall having thought of such moments before “what is bump into xxx or yyy next time” and finally i experienced this and the reaction:
for xxx: was seriously contemplating if i should acknowledge his existence or to casually walk past his table without even a single “hello” uttered. and in the end i decided to say hi after a good four years and i was met with an extremely lackluster hello. it was very strange and i’m not sure if i would choose to acknowledge him again.
for yyy: glaring at her from afar and feeling a large surge of anger running through my veins – not one to feel easily angered (maybe yes to easily annoyed) – it felt like a sudden rush of relieving sixteen year old drama and maybe even childish because my sixteen year old resentment is still very much present. maybe i have not grown up as much as i would like to believe. i am 21 but i still have this aspect of childlike pettiness. but i would like to believe that everybody has an arch nemesis in their lives.
i really haven’t thought of the ending to this post – really mundane thoughts – it is week 7 of school and finally recess week is coming. before university, i have never anticipated holidays this much.
week 6 has barely begun and i find myself in the reading room after four months
i am seventeen pages away from just completing the third chapter and as of now i have been plagued by a handful of philosophers’ idea of the self and have finally found one that i identify with the most closely: thank goodness for immanuel kant because david hume’s idea was just bizarre. the past thirty minutes to an hour i found myself questioning the ideas and at times feeling conflicted with which idea i most identified with because it felt disconcerting that my identification was able to change slightly with new perspectives. then i am reminded and aware of the rigour presented and i find myself…… relishing in this challenge
also i digressed and somehow thought of milan kundera’s unbearable lightness of being and wikipedia-ed it and read the plot and now thinking: i really am going to find some time to squeeze in reading into my lifestyle again
if there is one thing that i would really want to have in my house next time, it would really be a room filled with shelves of books.
the first time mian came up to me this afternoon he asked if i was okay and said that i looked gloomy. brushed it off and replied that it was probably fatigue. and then before he left he said again that something about me was a little off today. it’s a little nice (and also kind of contradictory to how i am feeling) actually that somebody realized.
this feels like a recurring event. feeling disconnected and extremely detached from people. and sometimes it feels like i am another person. last night i finished chapter one of my philosophy textbook and basically it was about digging and delving deeper, constantly questioning to understand the reason behind our thoughts, decisions, beliefs etc. so there probably is an explanation behind this growing detachment and usually i feel like i would want to understand the reason behind shutting off or wanting to shut off
but tonight is different.
this is a start of sheer determination. starting on my philosophy essay and hoping to churn out 1500 words that are coherent, well thought out and logical. i spent the morning half dazed in class and knocked out for a good one and a half hours straight after – well rested and aware that five weeks of the semester has passed and that nothing concrete has been done (apart from my thai language level one class which seems to be the only module i am keeping up with)
got this from page 32 of my thirty dollars john chaffee textbook – “we are still often strangers to our selves”
still a work in progress.
i think of 2011’s escapism; of how simple and naive we used to be. i remember many late night conversations, stuffed animals, sensei princess & sempai fairy, café hopping, dubious massages, salty chicken in philippines, having the best trip in jakarta, falling asleep on the same bed after a whole day of movie marathoning in the hotel room, phoenix wright, forcing you to stay in the washroom with me while i showered because i was afraid, celebrating each other’s wins and having many dreams of podium finishes. again i think to myself as i walked away from the departure gate “that phase of my life is over” – something i have been thinking far too often recently – and i watched her walk away feeling excited for what’s in store for her, heart full of light and hope and
yet my heart feels contradictory; heavy and maybe even broken.
it really is goodbye.