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Monthly Archives: August 2014

once again i am reminded of the fragility of life. and then it leaves me feeling: i should treasure _______ and _______ more. and i wish that it could be so simple as how i am working it out in my mind.

tonight, i feel alone.

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i say this time after time: i give up, i’m really giving up. and each time i mean it and say this phrase i have uttered far too many times with an even greater conviction than the last time, but in the end i get soft, choose to naively believe in the best of you and eventually i realise that i let myself forgive and ultimately put myself willingly through the same cycle. why do i do this. he tells me that vulnerability is important and that detachment is never the way to go – and i agree fully, letting myself try again and allowing myself to get bruised. how many times have i thought “i’m tired” or “i’m done” and how many times have i meant it? every. single. time. then i think – what happens when you drop a porcelain vase, watch it smash into many pieces, then gather and glue the broken shards together, piece them back and finally you drop the vase again. how many times can you possibly gather every single shard and expect the vase to appear or function the same as before.

where is this going. defeatist or realist – the only definite thing is this morning i awoke with full realization that i am such a broken person.

i am turning 21.

but why should you care?

i wonder when exactly do the first warning signs appear and what is the average lifespan of: closely interlocked fingers, long hugs that feel like they mean something, good morning kisses, good night kisses, attentive listening and consecutive days of unbridled and unadulterated happiness. i think of how this period is colloquially termed “honeymoon phase” and then i think of what a farce this means; this posits that relationships are dived into fully knowing and expecting the very occurrence of: loosely held hands, brief hugs that feel like they mean absolutely nothing, obligatory good morning and good night kisses, semi-attentive listening semi-multitasking and staggered days of joy sometimes marred with a certain quiet sadness. perhaps i am contrasting this too easily in two extreme examples so to put this simply: loving someone is entirely different from being in love.

now comes the second part of my wonderment in how things work and how things should work: do you quietly observe and ignore the rare tensed conversations or do you feign ignorance and casually brush it aside – then does that make you (a) TOO SENSITIVE or does that make you (b) NOT BOTHERED what exactly is the fine line here – which is backed by the assumption that there is a standardization of fine lines to gingerly tiptoe along – and we all know that this assumption is easily debunked because no two pairs function the exact same way – and so i have come full circle knowing with certainty that

i am still as lost as from the time i started writing this post

for the last time – do not place her in the cookie cutter mould and expect the same consistency, texture and golden brown finish as how they did for you. people are not made this way; to be placed in cardboard boxes labeled LEFT / RIGHT / CENTRE and then conveyor belted down accordingly to their labels. watch someone grow and give them ample space, freedom and choices to carve out their own destiny as opposed to cruelly forcing opinions down their sore throats and then creating the illusory image of democracy – haven’t you heard of taking everything with a pinch of salt.

for the last time – do not place her in (specifically yours) the cookie cutter mould. people are not made this way, to be manufactured, stunningly stifled by your standardization and if she chooses option (d) when you have only presented option (a) (b) and (c), then so be it.

i am about to take a long bus ride to jurong east interchange – meaning that i finally have the time to sit down and thumb type a proper post about how i spent my summer holiday. i used to proudly proclaim – with a certain glee and excitement that i was vastly different from most teenagers – that i disliked holidays and that i would choose school over having a holiday anytime. then university started and for the very first time i found myself anticipating public holidays and desperately waiting for the summer break to come. this three months i think i’ve rested enough, i finished reading a book – which is a far cry from my 105 book count when i was 15, picked up baking (google is really my best friend), started cooking and caught up with everyone i wanted to meet.

this holiday i have baked
1. flourless chocolate cake
2. raspberry swirl cheesecakes
3. strawberry jelly hearts

and i plan to bake
1. lemon curd
2. salted caramel / red velvet cupcakes
3. lemon meringue sponge cake
4. berry brownie cake

also this holiday i cooked a total of 5 times(!!!!!!!) very proud of myself for becoming more domesticated although after cooking and baking i can’t look at cafe menus the same way and not feel that i’m not being ripped off……..

very excited for year 2 to start – excited to take the modules that i am genuinely interested in – basically very recharged and ready for another four plus months of school.