Monthly Archives: July 2014


i still hold those two weeks very close to my heart. lou yan, ngor ho zhong yi lei.


sitting down at soup spoon taking my time to read the illicit happiness of other people by manu joseph which has been dog earred too many times – something i’ve never done to a book before. also this is the first time this holiday that i’m taking time to breathe and have quiet time just reading – i forgot how much i like being alone
“the secret to happiness is not to have any expectations from people”

two nights ago i dreamt of someone i have only heard stories about; stories that have to do with resilience, selflessness and sometimes even anecdotes of how she had a strict side as well.

i wish i could remember every moment vividly but all i can remember is the softness of her hands and kindness in her eyes. i remember him asking if we had a conversation but we didn’t. mostly i remember how i felt about the bittersweet scenario; meeting someone i wish i could have met in person only briefly in dreams and not even having a proper conversation.

and now i think of how bizarre this might sound: being even remotely upset about a dream when it is, just a dream after all. then i allow myself to wonder about life, where does life’s force go after life ends and basically the whole beauty of living and having lived.

i’m thinking of unwarranted anger – anger fueled by a long first half of the day battling swollen eyelids, that taste at the back of your throat after shouting and crying simultaneously – and whether it triumphs over warranted anger – severe mismatch of expectations, speed cutting, carefully selecting the best looking strawberry hearts, even more carefully arranging them in the blue Tupperware and feeling excited to see his face when he opens the box.

it’s been a long day. i can’t wait for home and the comfort of my bed and space. i don’t know if i would have done anything any differently if i were to repeat this again. i just know that angry people should never talk. but today i fell under that category.