today i find myself again surprised at how readily i show love and how i make a concerted effort to become more understanding especially around the people i love. i don’t like how that sentence sounds so self-praising but i have no idea how better to phrase it. this realization came about recently during one of the longest conversations i have ever had with my best friend and that’s saying a lot because our conversations are always so long. i remember how i told her openly how she’s the only person i readily admit my insecurities and fears. i shared with her on how loving a person wholeheartedly is something i am still learning to be comfortable with; entrusting so much faith and love into one person gives that person so much power and the ability to break you. and that scares me. and then both of us found out more similarities in terms of our innermost fears of love but we agreed that the fear alone is natural – there will never really be a hundred percent certainty in anything or anyone for that matter – but having a fear should never stop you from loving and giving. i’m not saying i’m perfect and i think sensitivity (and even over sensitivity at times) is still a weakness. but i am trying and i am write time and time again of how baring your soul to somebody is incredibly terrifying. but then it always leads me to think: so why is it that i still love and want to love? and that then leads me to my answer as of now (that answer might change or be refined in time to come) that it’s because being loved and loving somebody is something so pure that even after long periods of feeling jaded, it is natural for someone to be inclined to want to receive love and then giving love becomes a part and parcel of that. the problem is this simplicity of pure love in my mind is often not that simple after all – every relationship having differences and arguments is testament to that – and we have to constantly try to find that balance in mutual respect, understanding (insert all other aspects) and compromising. i don’t know how i even started typing that whole chunk since this blog post was just me reflecting on how it is so easy to be selfish and demanding and how i used to be more selfish. i thought of how i thought through before i slept about how if m were to fetch me back he would have to travel all the way back and car accidents must really be the highest on my fears list. and from this i made the decision to just take public transport back because i knew the distance i had to travel wasn’t that far from where i was going to be and also because i thought of how tired he looked and that he should be resting instead of being my chauffeur. and that is a part i feel proud of myself for both thinking and then doing. (again i really don’t like how that sounds so self-praising) (also i start off too many of my sentences by using ‘and’) because i think the person i used to be years ago would say something and only meant half of it – but the situation now was that i really meant it when i told m that i wanted to take public transport. this made me think of how i would readily accept and sometimes even expect w to send me back. and it is this realization upon reflecting on my personal growth in this aspect of becoming a better and kinder individual that makes me come to terms with the mistakes i made in the past. i remember sitting on the floor some time in January feeling stifled and ready to explode with the immense guilt i felt at how i handled a situation and i turned to twink by calling her up and admitting to her the real reasons behind my actions. (that i am still not proud of) and now by comparing January and now, i feel like i have come to terms with my decision and made amends and to put this in a very zen-like kungfu panda master shifu way: i feel like i’ve found inner peace.
also i love how vague i am because this means that only the closest people to me will truly understand this whole blog post.
twink if you’re reading this, our relationship has never been based upon open declarations of love and we’ve never been the best friends that are physically close in the sense that we hold hands and hug readily (which i have told you before – is really very strange in a way because i am really a physical touch kind of person but i was just never like that with our friendship) but it was because it never felt like we needed to be physically close. as i have told you before, i love our conversations and i always find myself feeling so enriched after our long talks and sharing of personal experiences or opinions about things. and every long conversation makes me feel as if our friendship is strengthened and goes deeper than the last time (which was probably not too long ago because we talk so often) and just typing this shout out paragraph makes me feel like i have so much pride in our friendship and how i am so thankful we made the effort to stay in touch at 13 and how our friendship really only started at 16. i am always blessed to have you in my life.
i have been typing out a post about the conversations i have been having lately – fulfilling conversations that make me think a lot and also make me appreciate the people around me. i don’t know how else to end off this post but there is just this immense feeling of feeling so blessed to have such enriching relationships in my life now.