loss

here’s the thing: i’ve never bypassed my room in hall before with the exceptions of the moments where my attention is solely focused on my iPhone screen (like now) but today I walked past all the rooms knowingly and didn’t recognize the door I’ve seen for the past one year because there were clothes hanging outside and the pegs used were different. past seven doors i made a face that was literally like this: >:-/ and checked whether I was on the wrong floor, but I wasn’t. then it hit me that someone else had moved into the room Cheryl and i shared over the holidays now that she has moved out. and then this bewildering sense of loss crept slowly as i opened the door and looked at her side of the room and realised it was stripped bare of her belongings and replaced by a bubblegum pink bedsheet, the space where her fairy lights was replaced by a vast of white, the shelves of textbooks were cleared and the bags on the floor was occupied by a hair dryer, charger and a clarisonic.

i don’t know how else to put this. i don’t like how it felt or how it feels. ”people come and go” isn’t that life? but it was such a bittersweet moment and there is this….. cloying ache that comes after that immediate sense of loss. knowing that a phase of my life of being accustomed to living with someone I felt comfortable and at ease with has now past. and then the déjà vu moment came; expecting an unknown face to enter into the room and a certain sense of giddy excitement. although this excitement was now tainted with a certain bitterness with a feeling of being forced to live with somebody unknown and somebody who isn’t my roommate.

I think of the past 1 year and I feel helpless. I think now of how I took a photo of the now foreign side of the room, whatsapped it to Cheryl and how I told her ‘this makes me feel a bit sad’ then I punctuated that with a string of laughter but in actual fact I wasn’t just a bit sad.

must have been the very first understatement I made for this summer break.

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