i remember sitting down on the cushioned seats, feeling just a little vulnerable and shy, knowing and feeling the flush on my cheeks was still present and wondering where did you go. i remember the heaviness of alcohol on my head and how my footsteps became awkward as i stepped gingerly across the main area and found you sitting in one of the rooms with your three closest friends and decided to walk back feeling just a little bit defeated. there is a certain dependency and neediness in that moment that i hate; because this was not how i was in october and not who i want to be. at times it feels like a war in my mind: sensitivity versus rationality; trying to reassure myself without having to gain reassurance externally. there is nothing about this that i am proud of and this is where i am reminded again of how you entrust a part of yourself to someone and it leaves you open.
so very open.