today i find myself again surprised at how readily i show love and how i make a concerted effort to become more understanding especially around the people i love. i don’t like how that sentence sounds so self-praising but i have no idea how better to phrase it. this realization came about recently during one of the longest conversations i have ever had with my best friend and that’s saying a lot because our conversations are always so long. i remember how i told her openly how she’s the only person i readily admit my insecurities and fears. i shared with her on how loving a person wholeheartedly is something i am still learning to be comfortable with; entrusting so much faith and love into one person gives that person so much power and the ability to break you. and that scares me. and then both of us found out more similarities in terms of our innermost fears of love but we agreed that the fear alone is natural – there will never really be a hundred percent certainty in anything or anyone for that matter – but having a fear should never stop you from loving and giving. i’m not saying i’m perfect and i think sensitivity (and even over sensitivity at times) is still a weakness. but i am trying and i am write time and time again of how baring your soul to somebody is incredibly terrifying. but then it always leads me to think: so why is it that i still love and want to love? and that then leads me to my answer as of now (that answer might change or be refined in time to come) that it’s because being loved and loving somebody is something so pure that even after long periods of feeling jaded, it is natural for someone to be inclined to want to receive love and then giving love becomes a part and parcel of that. the problem is this simplicity of pure love in my mind is often not that simple after all – every relationship having differences and arguments is testament to that – and we have to constantly try to find that balance in mutual respect, understanding (insert all other aspects) and compromising. i don’t know how i even started typing that whole chunk since this blog post was just me reflecting on how it is so easy to be selfish and demanding and how i used to be more selfish. i thought of how i thought through before i slept about how if m were to fetch me back he would have to travel all the way back and car accidents must really be the highest on my fears list. and from this i made the decision to just take public transport back because i knew the distance i had to travel wasn’t that far from where i was going to be and also because i thought of how tired he looked and that he should be resting instead of being my chauffeur. and that is a part i feel proud of myself for both thinking and then doing. (again i really don’t like how that sounds so self-praising) (also i start off too many of my sentences by using ‘and’) because i think the person i used to be years ago would say something and only meant half of it – but the situation now was that i really meant it when i told m that i wanted to take public transport. this made me think of how i would readily accept and sometimes even expect w to send me back. and it is this realization upon reflecting on my personal growth in this aspect of becoming a better and kinder individual that makes me come to terms with the mistakes i made in the past. i remember sitting on the floor some time in January feeling stifled and ready to explode with the immense guilt i felt at how i handled a situation and i turned to twink by calling her up and admitting to her the real reasons behind my actions. (that i am still not proud of) and now by comparing January and now, i feel like i have come to terms with my decision and made amends and to put this in a very zen-like kungfu panda master shifu way: i feel like i’ve found inner peace.
also i love how vague i am because this means that only the closest people to me will truly understand this whole blog post.
twink if you’re reading this, our relationship has never been based upon open declarations of love and we’ve never been the best friends that are physically close in the sense that we hold hands and hug readily (which i have told you before – is really very strange in a way because i am really a physical touch kind of person but i was just never like that with our friendship) but it was because it never felt like we needed to be physically close. as i have told you before, i love our conversations and i always find myself feeling so enriched after our long talks and sharing of personal experiences or opinions about things. and every long conversation makes me feel as if our friendship is strengthened and goes deeper than the last time (which was probably not too long ago because we talk so often) and just typing this shout out paragraph makes me feel like i have so much pride in our friendship and how i am so thankful we made the effort to stay in touch at 13 and how our friendship really only started at 16. i am always blessed to have you in my life.
i have been typing out a post about the conversations i have been having lately – fulfilling conversations that make me think a lot and also make me appreciate the people around me. i don’t know how else to end off this post but there is just this immense feeling of feeling so blessed to have such enriching relationships in my life now.
sometimes i think of the night four of us climbed up the new furnished stairs to see the new balcony and then we marveled at the simplicity of the wooden flooring, potted plants and the view of the neat rows of houses with the soft allure of the sunset greeting us as we first stepped out. i think of the closeness of the group back then and liken it to a feeling of warmth and interdependency amongst sisters who could have outrightly swore that our friendship could withstand anything. and then one of us left to return to korea and then i really understood why long distance relationships were difficult. i saw the lack of commitment in myself to maintain a conversation besides the usual conversations based on catching up. then university caught up with the other two and meet ups became a yearly affair but it was always effortless to fit back into the empty roles we left behind. i think of dark days where i was weary and of the emptiness i couldn’t avoid regardless of what i did to push it aside and then i remember how i didn’t get past it alone. i remember impromptu dinner dates and long phone calls about nothing in particular. i think of four of us and i am a cliche; no relationship or friendship is perfect but i am and i will always feel beyond thankful and blessed to have met them.
here’s the thing: i’ve never bypassed my room in hall before with the exceptions of the moments where my attention is solely focused on my iPhone screen (like now) but today I walked past all the rooms knowingly and didn’t recognize the door I’ve seen for the past one year because there were clothes hanging outside and the pegs used were different. past seven doors i made a face that was literally like this: >:-/ and checked whether I was on the wrong floor, but I wasn’t. then it hit me that someone else had moved into the room Cheryl and i shared over the holidays now that she has moved out. and then this bewildering sense of loss crept slowly as i opened the door and looked at her side of the room and realised it was stripped bare of her belongings and replaced by a bubblegum pink bedsheet, the space where her fairy lights was replaced by a vast of white, the shelves of textbooks were cleared and the bags on the floor was occupied by a hair dryer, charger and a clarisonic.
i don’t know how else to put this. i don’t like how it felt or how it feels. ”people come and go” isn’t that life? but it was such a bittersweet moment and there is this….. cloying ache that comes after that immediate sense of loss. knowing that a phase of my life of being accustomed to living with someone I felt comfortable and at ease with has now past. and then the déjà vu moment came; expecting an unknown face to enter into the room and a certain sense of giddy excitement. although this excitement was now tainted with a certain bitterness with a feeling of being forced to live with somebody unknown and somebody who isn’t my roommate.
I think of the past 1 year and I feel helpless. I think now of how I took a photo of the now foreign side of the room, whatsapped it to Cheryl and how I told her ‘this makes me feel a bit sad’ then I punctuated that with a string of laughter but in actual fact I wasn’t just a bit sad.
must have been the very first understatement I made for this summer break.
on tuesday noon i sat down and told my hairdresser ‘i want to cut short hair!!’ with a certain glee and excitement at the finality of my statement. been toying with this idea of chopping my hair off for about half a year and finally got down to doing it. he then proceeded to chop off ‘more than two-thirds’ (i’m quoting) of my hair and now i officially can declare that i have short hair!!!! short hair meaning the kind that can’t be tied at all – and not the wimpy shoulder hair ”short” length – and i’m really liking this sense of liberation particularly when it comes to having to wash or comb my hair FUSS FREE
then i realised that i looked like an exact replica of the photo pasted on the fridge and it was like staring at the mirror, seeing the same hairstyle on nearly the same face, just aged and with eye bags.
last night my mom came in peered into my room and told me that i look like her little girl again. which led me to think of how scary the whole thing is: having a baby and watching that baby grow into a fully fledged adult. which is kind of very strange and very beautiful at the same time.
last night i sneaked into my brother’s uncluttered bed, lied down and thought about how this is something i did always whenever my own room felt too stifling. then i thought about what dress to wear this morning and my mind skipped to what breakfast i should have; mentally i decided on a cup of hot milo and along with my pandan cheese roll to start the day. i laid awake for some time with my restless mind filled up with unimportant thoughts but i am not complaining. it has just been two weeks out of this three months break from school and i’m relishing in the lack of stress and not having to sleep past 2am and wake up by 9am for lessons or project meetings. next week i want to try making the bacon egg cups because they seem simple enough to start with (and they look really appetizing as well)
but first i need to get a cupcake tray
i watch the words slowly line themselves out into a long string of angry curled sentences, hear how the sharpness and bitterness of a voice stings the air (and then weighing this between uncomfortable piercing silence and thinking i can’t choose between either; both are just as awful to listen to) and am reminded once again of how anger – particularly blind and without control – has the wondrous ability to transform a person into anything other than how you know him or her. i watch the contortion of facial features and my conclusion as before (and as always) is still the same: anger is an ugly thing and it makes people so incredibly ugly. anger obliterates any attempt to negotiate, to discuss or to rationalize and it erases all good done temporarily. i hear myself sigh many defeated sighs, conjuring up the best carefully lined brick wall defense in my mind but there i am – defeated. i feel defeated, i am tired
but tomorrow is another day isn’t it
i remember sitting down on the cushioned seats, feeling just a little vulnerable and shy, knowing and feeling the flush on my cheeks was still present and wondering where did you go. i remember the heaviness of alcohol on my head and how my footsteps became awkward as i stepped gingerly across the main area and found you sitting in one of the rooms with your three closest friends and decided to walk back feeling just a little bit defeated. there is a certain dependency and neediness in that moment that i hate; because this was not how i was in october and not who i want to be. at times it feels like a war in my mind: sensitivity versus rationality; trying to reassure myself without having to gain reassurance externally. there is nothing about this that i am proud of and this is where i am reminded again of how you entrust a part of yourself to someone and it leaves you open.
so very open.