of faith and a lack of

last night we laid on the floor talking even though there wasn’t much time to spare on long talks. i shared with you about how i didn’t enjoy my junior college days and you were surprised because it was something i’ve never told you before. then i shared with you the anxiety i used to have in examinations and how i realised a belief – or a lack of belief – was actually the crux of the whole spiral down. thereafter i told you more things, snippets of my life years ago and now and i realised that it’s not that i chose to keep these stories a secret; it’s that generally i don’t like sharing negative snippets because i think i’m past the why-must-life-be-like-this typical adolescent mindset and i’m mostly accepting and even sometimes nonchalant. my secondary school english teacher mrs haffidz would not be pleased at that incredibly long sentence.

towards the end you asked me if i would mind if you stayed agnostic in the future and never a Christian. and i said – and meant it – that i didn’t know but as of the present i couldn’t decide between a ‘yes i mind’ and ‘no i don’t mind’ and my reasons which i told you were simple: how can i possibly expect you to be a Christian if I myself don’t strongly embody what a Christian should be like (re: so what should a strong believer in Christ be like?) and i mentioned how i do want to. then you told me something you’ve said to me before. something along the lines of you have to find compelling reasons on why you wish to do an act instead of just simply stating you want to because anybody can say it. and it’s true and these lines always strike me hard. i have always proclaimed that i am not the strongest of all Christians and in retrospect now I think this proclamation is a way to reaffirm my non-effort and passive Christianity. i shared with you how i really do believe in God and that God has really blessed me especially when i entered university. and in between those moments i felt myself overwhelmed with this inexplicable sadness and regret and this is the time where i have really decided to do something. because i genuinely want to know more about God who has blessed me so much instead of having such a superficial level of understanding and relationship.

this morning we watched the city harvest live telecast of their Easter Sunday service. and i was surprised that you even went to watch it and also secretly happy. in between i questioned myself – why must it be an almost pre-requisite for you to be a Christian? why do i place such importance on it when i myself am not putting in effort to know more? – and this shame is something i am going to attempt to get rid off by changing my stance of ‘not a strong believer’ to actually doing something about it.


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