i do this every now and then; i read the posts of august 2011 and each time it strikes me even harder than the last. how three years have past and i am no longer anything close to what i used to be. i see the growing list of archive links and this reminds me of why i keep a blog; to not forget and to learn from past decisions and experiences.
recently i have been harboring thoughts of setting up an online retail store. the lucrative potential is amazing if the execution is done well. discussed these plans with my best friend because these plans originated at least 3 years ago but were only dreamt of and never really attempted. it hits me now that all the what-ifs and excuses of other commitments are always the strongest excuses to not try.
yesterday while waiting for the bus back i sat with m’s neighbor and it was the first time we talked. we talked about the curriculum, strategies to do well for finals and he shared with me about how he has been funding his own university and hostel fees simply because he wanted to do so and to do something since he hit the age of 21. i asked him if he liked his job and he replied with honest enthusiasm ‘I love my job’
very inspiring and very inspired at the notion of self-sustainability. and of materializing dreams instead of just merely entertaining them.
last night we laid on the floor talking even though there wasn’t much time to spare on long talks. i shared with you about how i didn’t enjoy my junior college days and you were surprised because it was something i’ve never told you before. then i shared with you the anxiety i used to have in examinations and how i realised a belief – or a lack of belief – was actually the crux of the whole spiral down. thereafter i told you more things, snippets of my life years ago and now and i realised that it’s not that i chose to keep these stories a secret; it’s that generally i don’t like sharing negative snippets because i think i’m past the why-must-life-be-like-this typical adolescent mindset and i’m mostly accepting and even sometimes nonchalant. my secondary school english teacher mrs haffidz would not be pleased at that incredibly long sentence.
towards the end you asked me if i would mind if you stayed agnostic in the future and never a Christian. and i said – and meant it – that i didn’t know but as of the present i couldn’t decide between a ‘yes i mind’ and ‘no i don’t mind’ and my reasons which i told you were simple: how can i possibly expect you to be a Christian if I myself don’t strongly embody what a Christian should be like (re: so what should a strong believer in Christ be like?) and i mentioned how i do want to. then you told me something you’ve said to me before. something along the lines of you have to find compelling reasons on why you wish to do an act instead of just simply stating you want to because anybody can say it. and it’s true and these lines always strike me hard. i have always proclaimed that i am not the strongest of all Christians and in retrospect now I think this proclamation is a way to reaffirm my non-effort and passive Christianity. i shared with you how i really do believe in God and that God has really blessed me especially when i entered university. and in between those moments i felt myself overwhelmed with this inexplicable sadness and regret and this is the time where i have really decided to do something. because i genuinely want to know more about God who has blessed me so much instead of having such a superficial level of understanding and relationship.
this morning we watched the city harvest live telecast of their Easter Sunday service. and i was surprised that you even went to watch it and also secretly happy. in between i questioned myself – why must it be an almost pre-requisite for you to be a Christian? why do i place such importance on it when i myself am not putting in effort to know more? – and this shame is something i am going to attempt to get rid off by changing my stance of ‘not a strong believer’ to actually doing something about it.
finally a break from the monotony of words on this space. this is by far the neatest my table has ever been when I come to the reading room.
woke up at 0830hrs despite sleeping close to 0300hrs. if this was game center I think this would be appropriately be termed as ‘achievement unlocked’. took a long hot shower after the person before me evacuated my favorite cubicle – been having shitty luck lately with occupied cubicles whenever I want to shower – and had my very expensive lucky charms breakfast.
I wasn’t supposed to blog – and this is also a very anticlimactic ending – but back to financial management
a mother talks to her son and notices the sling of his bag is torn – thought of what i would do in this situation ‘mom can you help me sew this’ and realizing that skill: sewing is something i need to master, passing by potong pasir mrt (isn’t it strange how foreign everything seems now), an Indian couple talking and listening to each other – the total lack of smartphone usage is something that’s hard to see nowadays, lady on the right using her samsung galaxy, Indian man standing on the right deep in thought, influx of people onto the train carriage at dhoby ghaut and new handholds
also, one-quarter done with my journey back to hall
recently i have been finding myself observing young couples (between the ages of 13-16) and always thinking to myself ‘that’s not going to last’ and then it occurred to me how this might be a sign that i am getting old because mothers always tell us similar things about how young love never amounts to anything but honestly most of us don’t ever listen. i watch how they arms snake around each other and how small pecks on the cheeks are either sneakily given or given without shame and i feel a little grossed out because i look at young love and think of how fleeting and superficial it is.
today i found myself enjoying the simplicity of being alone and having alone time. had the very last of all project meetings for this semester in the morning at 9am, touched up on the group’s cue cards afterwards when everybody left to go for lectures that i didn’t plan to go for, had some quiet time to myself sitting down and having two tables to myself. in between i silently observed how the cleaner aunty seemed to have an ocd of pushing in all the chairs after she wiped a table and noticed how a lot of people really dress down for school. if there’s one thing i think my mother taught me well it would be that i should always look presentable when i leave the house (or hall for that matter)
typed that part out on Tuesday night and now it’s Thursday afternoon. feeling a little overwhelmed by the upcoming assignments, final presentation next week and also with the looming threat of finals in about 3 weeks. just finished a lunch with zijie – haven’t talked to him properly in ages – and now on the train to give private tuition. if there’s one thing that’s going to come out of this semester is that i learn to prioritize and manage my time better………. hopefully