in the late afternoon i watched him sit quietly at the side, patiently waiting for his father to pick him and his younger siblings. i noticed the absence of baby fat in his cheeks and the growing dark circles under his eyes and thought to myself ‘wow he’s really grown up’. just two years ago, he was the replica of his younger siblings; a running screaming machine that was missing a power button. now he is able to wait patiently and isn’t full of energy. i look at him as i mess up his recently cut hair. just fifteen minutes ago i called him over and gave him a bear hug from behind, lifted him up and spun him around laughing at his complaints to put him down. is this how mothers feel like when their children reach the age of cuddle limits or how mothers have to deal with their children turning into sulky grumpy prepubescent and pubescent kids. i have always insisted on not having children and i think this insistence used to come from my annoyance and an almost loathing at having to deal with petulant children. then it turned into a legitimate fear of childbirth and how bringing a child up in a society or world like this in the future isn’t ideal (or at least my opinion of what is ideal) anymore. yet looking at him today, i couldn’t help but feel this sudden surge of maternal instinct. briefly considered the whole notion of having a child to raise and love – something i have never even considered – and this is an honest first; maybe having a child isn’t completely written off the cards as of now

also today i added ‘a child walking up to me, calling my name and asking for a giant hug’ as one of my favorite things.


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