darkness

a few hours ago i came back home to my dad’s legendary yong tau foo, my semi messy room ‘why is your room in hall neater than the one at home’ and it actually really does feel quite good to be back home after 5 days of being away

this week i felt myself reliving the darkest days in late 2011 and early 2012. helping a really important person in my life to try and get over a heartbreak and knowing firsthand how terribly difficult it is to just ‘get up and move on’. thought of the immense patience that haein and especially theodore had during those days of cringingly needy phone calls and late night texts. truly forever indebted to these two for bringing me through that darkness and i’m so glad i came out of it as a different person, more strong-willed and independent.

in between the long string of texts sent back and forth, i could feel a shadow of my past self seeping through mental cracks; feeling myself relive the helplessness, irrationality i displayed and the familiar dull ache i haven’t experienced in quite a while. thinking now about how foolish it seems to call it ‘dark days’ because those days were simply nothing but heartache and heartbreak. but i think i’ve come to really realise now that it was because of my lack of independence which crippled me. you spill your secrets and bare your soul and you are left with nothing but vulnerability. 

just texted theo about how thankful i really am for him being there for me, think i always secretly felt a little ashamed at how disgustingly needy i was during that one month, how i became a completely different person that needed constant reassurance and in this way i can’t help but feel thankful too that this period was never outrightly acknowledged in person whenever theo and i hung out or studied or waited for math tuition to start. it always felt like this silent consensus to never breathe a word about it. so just now was the first time i have really thanked him properly for being a good friend. which kind of leads me to think: isn’t it sad how good friends are really hard to find these days

somewhere in between the first three paragraphs i was actually interrupted by my mom to help her transfer a whole chicken from the pot to a tupperware and into the fridge. and then i was asked by my dad to shred the chicken while i was at the aforementioned chore and honesty i really felt annoyed at having to shred a whole chicken because i was typing midway and also because i had mentally mapped out my shower time. actually in all honesty i think i was just really lazy

the story behind this is that i began shredding the chicken meat off the bones grudgingly with my mom telling me ‘do it happily and the shredded chicken sandwich will taste better!’ decided then that ok fine i’ll just shred the chicken without feeling like a total grouch since i was halfway through the first drumstick. then my mom smiles at me and says ‘ok how about i turn on some nice show for you so it won’t be so boring’ and i guess nobody can continue being such an immature lazy brat if your mom tells you that right. so she proceeds to search through channel 5 and hbo and then she asks me what was the cartoon i used to watch ‘spongebob?’ and tells me that she never liked spongebob because he was so ugly. eventually she decides on disney channel because ‘it’s showing mr bean!!’ and the whole time i didn’t actually look at the TV but i was actually using her sort of childlike wonderment and amazement at a TV show to get me through the whole shredding situation. this actually isn’t the first time i’ve felt like i’ve truly grown up. it kind of struck me a few months ago when i realised how i have been the one nagging continuously at my mom to sleep earlier, to eat more, to eat healthier etc. the shredding situation just now just kind of made me appreciate my mom and her quirky behavior she displayed a little more. think i’ll look back one day when i’m shredding chicken again and recall my mother behaving like a child and missing moments like this

mom if you’re reading this (which is a high possibility that you are because you are such a stalker) i’m not saying you’re a child ha ha haha it’s more of your almost adorable fascination with a show. 

sometimes i think i’m ageing mentally a little too fast 

/

i forgot how much i missed typing inane words and stringing them into sentences to form relatively large chunks of paragraphs. in some ways i regret not writing more in 2013 because sometimes i think my life took a gap year in 2013 and that last year was 2012. i don’t make new year resolutions but i guess i am going to start writing (or typing) more often this year again

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