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Monthly Archives: January 2014

started out the past week by lugging four textbooks all the way from hall to the lecture theatre, proceeded to the library to begin studying but instead i rearranged the folders on my desktop, took screenshots of my timetable and idly scrolled through the slides of the first economics lecture that i decided not to go to. after that and after having a late lunch i studied with zihui for ~~6 hours despite it being only the first day of the week. i remember feeling really hardworking but now i realize that i only studied on monday so it isn’t much to be proud of

tuesday i fought with 6.5 hours of nearly back to back lessons with only a sad half an hour break after the first 1.5 hours. came out of the whole day feeling surprisingly fresh and excited because i ended the day with business law which was really refreshing and something i have a genuine interest in. asked wafiy if he wanted to eat and we settled for koufu because that’s all that’s available near the seminar rooms and ended up talking about what we are thinking of specializing in – which led me to realize that some doors are really starting to close on me already – and talking a bit on our respective sports…. i don’t know how to end this but it was a good catch up after the holidays considering how our statistics group’s meat fest did not pan out. afterwards i met m and tried artease for the very first time – decent but way overpriced – but think i found a new *~*~*chill*~*~* study corner. thereafter we went to adm and met three of m’s friends and watched the breakfast club which i thought was witty at the appropriate times and a really refreshing change from the humdrum of movie choices these days. then again i thought that it was a little bizarre and incoherent at times in relation to the teenage romance and also thought the movie overplayed the whole ‘i hate my parents / my family is messed up’ idea…. but still a fairly good movie and a nice breather from my back to back lessons

wednesday saw me trying to be ambitious by waking up at 0615hrs to prepare for my IT seminar – thank goodness i snoozed because nobody prepared and honestly i don’t think prior preparation is really necessary – and making new friends with the first group i sat with only to be sorely disappointed when the prof decided to put the class into random groups (in my head: WE ARE ALREADY IN RANDOM GROUPS) and i think i see the value in random groups because a person is forced to break away from the comfort of friends (even if it’s newly formed 1 hour friendships) and is forced to learn to work with different personalities. the flaw in this is that i think most people have established a mental list of ‘type of people i can work with’ and isn’t this the thing about university – or about life for that matter – almost everybody is fighting to get A – and if you can work best in team A then why would you want to work in team B? then again i think if i were a professor i would have done the same thing

apart from all that rambling, IT seminar was probably the most dry seminar of the week. went for the exchange talk after which was oversubscribed with the first group of friends i made, and listened to a narration of something i could have probably made more effort to google on. made it to og lunch in time to collect my second batch of notes from weini and spent 2 hours after just talking at the nearby benches. non guilt-free 2 hours talk time but a much needed break despite it being only a few days into the new week

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this is the best part.

long train rides to the opposite side of the earth. ‘what are your goals’ when was the last time somebody asked out of genuine interest about your aspirations? this is the thing that sets him apart from the others. he asks questions that no one has ever asked, questions that no one else usually bothers to find answers to.

walking down a slope with your hands holding onto your 80 cent ice-creams. sharing childhood stories and experiences to invite the other person into this part of your life that you thought was previously closed and sealed off. you look at him while he recounts a story involving his two elder brothers and there’s something about the way he talks, something that makes everything feel more concrete and certain.

in between you think ‘isn’t he something’

and you can tell everybody the story of how you met him and your first impressions but nothing really quite cuts it.

in the late afternoon i watched him sit quietly at the side, patiently waiting for his father to pick him and his younger siblings. i noticed the absence of baby fat in his cheeks and the growing dark circles under his eyes and thought to myself ‘wow he’s really grown up’. just two years ago, he was the replica of his younger siblings; a running screaming machine that was missing a power button. now he is able to wait patiently and isn’t full of energy. i look at him as i mess up his recently cut hair. just fifteen minutes ago i called him over and gave him a bear hug from behind, lifted him up and spun him around laughing at his complaints to put him down. is this how mothers feel like when their children reach the age of cuddle limits or how mothers have to deal with their children turning into sulky grumpy prepubescent and pubescent kids. i have always insisted on not having children and i think this insistence used to come from my annoyance and an almost loathing at having to deal with petulant children. then it turned into a legitimate fear of childbirth and how bringing a child up in a society or world like this in the future isn’t ideal (or at least my opinion of what is ideal) anymore. yet looking at him today, i couldn’t help but feel this sudden surge of maternal instinct. briefly considered the whole notion of having a child to raise and love – something i have never even considered – and this is an honest first; maybe having a child isn’t completely written off the cards as of now

also today i added ‘a child walking up to me, calling my name and asking for a giant hug’ as one of my favorite things.

a few hours ago i came back home to my dad’s legendary yong tau foo, my semi messy room ‘why is your room in hall neater than the one at home’ and it actually really does feel quite good to be back home after 5 days of being away

this week i felt myself reliving the darkest days in late 2011 and early 2012. helping a really important person in my life to try and get over a heartbreak and knowing firsthand how terribly difficult it is to just ‘get up and move on’. thought of the immense patience that haein and especially theodore had during those days of cringingly needy phone calls and late night texts. truly forever indebted to these two for bringing me through that darkness and i’m so glad i came out of it as a different person, more strong-willed and independent.

in between the long string of texts sent back and forth, i could feel a shadow of my past self seeping through mental cracks; feeling myself relive the helplessness, irrationality i displayed and the familiar dull ache i haven’t experienced in quite a while. thinking now about how foolish it seems to call it ‘dark days’ because those days were simply nothing but heartache and heartbreak. but i think i’ve come to really realise now that it was because of my lack of independence which crippled me. you spill your secrets and bare your soul and you are left with nothing but vulnerability. 

just texted theo about how thankful i really am for him being there for me, think i always secretly felt a little ashamed at how disgustingly needy i was during that one month, how i became a completely different person that needed constant reassurance and in this way i can’t help but feel thankful too that this period was never outrightly acknowledged in person whenever theo and i hung out or studied or waited for math tuition to start. it always felt like this silent consensus to never breathe a word about it. so just now was the first time i have really thanked him properly for being a good friend. which kind of leads me to think: isn’t it sad how good friends are really hard to find these days

somewhere in between the first three paragraphs i was actually interrupted by my mom to help her transfer a whole chicken from the pot to a tupperware and into the fridge. and then i was asked by my dad to shred the chicken while i was at the aforementioned chore and honesty i really felt annoyed at having to shred a whole chicken because i was typing midway and also because i had mentally mapped out my shower time. actually in all honesty i think i was just really lazy

the story behind this is that i began shredding the chicken meat off the bones grudgingly with my mom telling me ‘do it happily and the shredded chicken sandwich will taste better!’ decided then that ok fine i’ll just shred the chicken without feeling like a total grouch since i was halfway through the first drumstick. then my mom smiles at me and says ‘ok how about i turn on some nice show for you so it won’t be so boring’ and i guess nobody can continue being such an immature lazy brat if your mom tells you that right. so she proceeds to search through channel 5 and hbo and then she asks me what was the cartoon i used to watch ‘spongebob?’ and tells me that she never liked spongebob because he was so ugly. eventually she decides on disney channel because ‘it’s showing mr bean!!’ and the whole time i didn’t actually look at the TV but i was actually using her sort of childlike wonderment and amazement at a TV show to get me through the whole shredding situation. this actually isn’t the first time i’ve felt like i’ve truly grown up. it kind of struck me a few months ago when i realised how i have been the one nagging continuously at my mom to sleep earlier, to eat more, to eat healthier etc. the shredding situation just now just kind of made me appreciate my mom and her quirky behavior she displayed a little more. think i’ll look back one day when i’m shredding chicken again and recall my mother behaving like a child and missing moments like this

mom if you’re reading this (which is a high possibility that you are because you are such a stalker) i’m not saying you’re a child ha ha haha it’s more of your almost adorable fascination with a show. 

sometimes i think i’m ageing mentally a little too fast 

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i forgot how much i missed typing inane words and stringing them into sentences to form relatively large chunks of paragraphs. in some ways i regret not writing more in 2013 because sometimes i think my life took a gap year in 2013 and that last year was 2012. i don’t make new year resolutions but i guess i am going to start writing (or typing) more often this year again

how simple it used to be; sneaking out with your best friend to watch the earliest afternoon movie, this is the best kind of excitement at this age and a kind of defiance to chinese remedials. deciding which fast food joint to go to and feeling like a ninja for hiding little tubs of instant mashed potato in your school bag into the cinema. this was the best and worst years of your life, so fleeting and so far off