blessed

this week saw me going through each passing day with an inexplicable calmness – which is worlds apart from my usual state of expecting examination results – incredibly cliche to claim that it was because i knew God is with me and that i would get through regardless of the outcome, but there really is no other way to explain it. i didn’t expect to find myself walking to the stage – although in all honesty i did indulge in a brief fantasy of seeing my name, all 22 letters flash up on the screen in bright blue arial font – and i stepped into the hall thinking ‘in 20 minutes i will greet my C’s and D’s’ and then there came the moment where i refused to take my result slip first despite being register no. 1, insisting to my form tutor ‘let the other girls go first’ and watching him mouth back ‘you did okay’ and then thinking ‘WHAT IS OKAY? IT WILL NOT BE ‘OK” and finally stepping forward five minutes later to get my slip and then refusing for another ten or fifteen minutes to open it. as i watched classmate after classmate open their certificate and shouting YES!!!! YES!!!! and looking at their neat rows of A’s and B’s i thought that is a result slip i am not holding, i will not do this well. hearing a friend of a friend say ‘its okay, whatever you do, you’ll be fine’ but it isn’t is it? eventually my form tutor came up to me and asked to see my cert. he said ‘ok what’s the worst grade to you’ and I breathed out ‘D?’ he says ‘well if it’s a D you’re looking for here, you won’t find it’ i followed up with a C and even an E, and then i asked ‘is there an A’ and he answered ‘there are A’s’
i think that was the best three words i have ever heard

i am blessed beyond words. today was an entirely different experience. back in 2009 i jumped around and it felt more of a ‘i worked hard, i have done well, all credit goes to my hard work’ yet this time, shock was my first reaction. to say i am happy wouldn’t be accurate at all. it has been a humbling experience. that i am not the most faithful of Christians but God has never forsaken me. i have never dreamed or even allowed myself to think i would get my current grades, it feels undeserving but i know it is only through God’s grace and favor that i have gotten these grades. this is just another battle down and there is another battle waiting every day

and to you, i know you are reading this, thank you for still caring. and thank you for believing in me and for staying by my side during my prelims and A levels, thank you for believing when i didn’t.

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