!!!!! 2 more days to exams
my mom bought me roses, placed them in a vase and placed it on my table. earlier in the afternoon i asked her if there was lunch at home and she replied ‘yes and there’s a surprise too’
i think at 18, i’m finally growing up and learning to appreciate the tiny things that my parents do for me. i really do love my mom
last night i crashed my brother’s bed because mine is.
(i almost feel ashamed)
today was the chinese paper and since i don’t take chinese i didn’t need to go to school for lessons. yet i tumbled out of bed, 94% willing and shoved the notes on my table into my bag, and took my mom’s car to school. and that’s something that i think i always take for granted. i always complain about having to get up but i don’t think i’ve ever heard my mom complain about how tired she is/ how she wishes i would just take the train to school instead of her having to get up early. little things in life that i’m finally learning to appreciate more and not take for granted
that paragraph there ^ completely deviated from what i wanted to type initially. oh well
so today at 8:19am i stepped into the library and sat at the table where i could easily grab the table with the powerpoint once the two guys sitting there moved away. today was really good. 9 hours of studying and another 3 hours to clock in after i finish typing this post. i feel accomplished but honestly there really isn’t anything to brag about since it’s only 5 more days till exams, such effort is only expected i guess
ending this post because it’s already 9:20
if only time is not wasted on eating/sleeping, i would have a great deal of time in my hands
was rummaging through the mountain of paper strewn everywhere and i found one of my old notebooks – no idea why i turned to the last page
but i found this and i think i must have been a very morbid person 3 years ago
distinctively remember scrawling this on the back of a notebook during amath lesson
— i was 15 then
feel like a wind-up doll.
fingerprints have marred my once porcelain-esque face; evidence that i was once of some use to somebody
i lay sprawled out on the parquet flooring, it is cold. uncomfortable.
my heart is a crudely carved out hole, absent-mindedly painted pink
the wind-up motor on my back is rusty now
if someone were to insert the silver key into my back,
i don’t know if you would still be able to see me dance and sing songs about love,
singing ‘i love you! you’re my bestest friend!’
perhaps now it would be a ‘where did you go’
they think that just because i always have a smile on the canvas of my face means that i am incapable of other emotions.
it does not work that way
they. you. walk away and leave me behind; no struggle ensues but it does not mean i am fine.
my eyes are glazed, wide open.
it has been a month and a day,
you did not look back
not even once to hear me scream (maybe more of a plea)
wishing you could see my eyes trying to convey to you my innermost thoughts
i am screaming
don’t go, don’t go, don’t go
but you left, anyway
i remember now
been watching videos on octopuses/squids/sharks (fascination with sharks and octopuses!!!!!) on youtube and i came across this
after watching all these videos/documentaries on marine life i always feel like my perception of things /vague/ is so narrow. apart from life outside school/social circles/family.. there isn’t really anything much —– then i come across videos like these that makes me realizes that there is more to life than just studying. getting A’s. there is a life outside tutorials, lectures, tuition etc etc etc
but then when i close the screen and start revising for exams again, all these perceptions of life disappear and shrink back to the narrow view that life is all about achievements
it makes me sick
feel like life is never going to stop being a constant everyday struggle.. what with the pursue of academic achievements, personal achievements, co-curricular activities achievement… it never really ends does it
2011 is going to end in 2 and a half months
in ten years i will be twenty-seven
i will have a house with a room filled with bookshelves, filled with books
i will have a pet cat and i will name it tiger
and a snow white rabbit called bunny – just to be original
i will have no children
i will be working
i will be happy
and i want to still have you in my life
updated the previous list from the last time i created it, added new things to do, crossed off the things i have completed
and i realised i haven’t touched econs at all…. at least i’m on track for chem
damn 3 more weeks
/edit: meh the font size isn’t the same for both lists feeling very irritated by it but i’m too lazy to redo the first list
been trying to update my iMac to the lion OS and it kept failing – it finally finished downloading just now!!!
have to share my excitement ha ha
sigh this is how exciting my life is