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Monthly Archives: September 2011

!!!!! 2 more days to exams

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my mom bought me roses, placed them in a vase and placed it on my table. earlier in the afternoon i asked her if there was lunch at home and she replied ‘yes and there’s a surprise too’

i think at 18, i’m finally growing up and learning to appreciate the tiny things that my parents do for me. i really do love my mom

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last night i crashed my brother’s bed because mine is.

well.

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(i almost feel ashamed)

today was the chinese paper and since i don’t take chinese i didn’t need to go to school for lessons. yet i tumbled out of bed, 94% willing and shoved the notes on my table into my bag, and took my mom’s car to school. and that’s something that i think i always take for granted. i always complain about having to get up but i don’t think i’ve ever heard my mom complain about how tired she is/ how she wishes i would just take the train to school instead of her having to get up early. little things in life that i’m finally learning to appreciate more and not take for granted

that paragraph there ^ completely deviated from what i wanted to type initially. oh well

so today at 8:19am i stepped into the library and sat at the table where i could easily grab the table with the powerpoint once the two guys sitting there moved away. today was really good. 9 hours of studying and another 3 hours to clock in after i finish typing this post. i feel accomplished but honestly there really isn’t anything to brag about since it’s only 5 more days till exams, such effort is only expected i guess

ending this post because it’s already 9:20

if only time is not wasted on eating/sleeping, i would have a great deal of time in my hands

was rummaging through the mountain of paper strewn everywhere and i found one of my old notebooks – no idea why i turned to the last page

but i found this and i think i must have been a very morbid person 3 years ago

distinctively remember scrawling this on the back of a notebook during amath lesson

— i was 15 then

feel like a wind-up doll.
fingerprints have marred my once porcelain-esque face; evidence that i was once of some use to somebody
i lay sprawled out on the parquet flooring, it is cold. uncomfortable.
my heart is a crudely carved out hole, absent-mindedly painted pink
the wind-up motor on my back is rusty now
if someone were to insert the silver key into my back,
i don’t know if you would still be able to see me dance and sing songs about love,
singing ‘i love you! you’re my bestest friend!’
maybe
perhaps now it would be a ‘where did you go’
they think that just because i always have a smile on the canvas of my face means that i am incapable of other emotions.
it does not work that way
they. you. walk away and leave me behind; no struggle ensues but it does not mean i am fine.
my eyes are glazed, wide open.
it has been a month and a day,
you did not look back
not even once to hear me scream (maybe more of a plea)
wishing you could see my eyes trying to convey to you my innermost thoughts

i am screaming
shouting
crying

don’t go, don’t go, don’t go

but you left, anyway

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i remember now

been watching videos on octopuses/squids/sharks (fascination with sharks and octopuses!!!!!) on youtube and i came across this

after watching all these videos/documentaries on marine life i always feel like my perception of things /vague/ is so narrow. apart from life outside school/social circles/family.. there isn’t really anything much —– then i come across videos like these that makes me realizes that there is more to life than just studying. getting A’s. there is a life outside tutorials, lectures, tuition etc etc etc

but then when i close the screen and start revising for exams again, all these perceptions of life disappear and shrink back to the narrow view that life is all about achievements

it makes me sick

feel like life is never going to stop being a constant everyday struggle.. what with the pursue of academic achievements, personal achievements, co-curricular activities achievement… it never really ends does it

2011 is going to end in 2 and a half months

2012
2013
2014
2015
2016
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2021

in ten years i will be twenty-seven

i will have a house with a room filled with bookshelves, filled with books
i will have a pet cat and i will name it tiger
and a snow white rabbit called bunny – just to be original
i will have no children
i will be working
i will be happy

and i want to still have you in my life

updated the previous list from the last time i created it, added new things to do, crossed off the things i have completed

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and i realised i haven’t touched econs at all…. at least i’m on track for chem

damn 3 more weeks

AAABD/ AAABC

OK BAI

/edit: meh the font size isn’t the same for both lists feeling very irritated by it but i’m too lazy to redo the first list
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been trying to update my iMac to the lion OS and it kept failing – it finally finished downloading just now!!!

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have to share my excitement ha ha

sigh this is how exciting my life is