your words are backed with intention, but without conviction
they’re merely words
your words are backed with intention, but without conviction
they’re merely words
i am on my 7th day of work and my body is already showing obvious signs of fatigue; dry eyes in the morning, strange pimples on my chin and pronounced eye bags by 5pm.
today my parents sent me to work which approximated to be $10 “still cheaper than a cab” and just wanted to write about how thankful and grateful i am to be so utterly spoilt and loved. i shared with char and wini on saturday that i really want to stay grounded in a spirit of gratitude even when things start getting hectic. i was briefly reminded of how a sermon at NCC talked about how we tend to forget how thankful we were for a particular situation in the past. eg. was thankful and felt fortunate to be able to enter a local university course after A’s but months into university, i would forget that lens of thankfulness and instead my thoughts would revolve around “can’t wait to graduate”
and similarly, i realized that the same could happen so easily at work.
i just wanted to remind myself to
– focus on the little nuggets of positivity even when work overwhelms me
– never to sacrifice or diminish my capacity to work on personal growth and development
– continue to seek God in all that i do, even when it seems frivolous
witnessed for myself and have received feedback from two friends – char and sherrie – that they can see an obvious change in me. “you’re not weighted down by earthly situations” and i’m just so amazed at how my walk with God has accelerated so much over the past month.
it’s gonna be a great 6 months left of 2017 🙂
i took 1 normal grab and 2 grab share rides today and they were interesting. i shouldn’t be writing about how i met with 3 very different personalities since that should be a given but it felt quintessentially so. i guess it’s because most people have the tendency to surround themselves with like-minded people or that friends are usually around your age so the thought processes and life experiences are similar.
so today i had the opportunity to meet:
1) an indian who has a masters but found himself out of a job because his contract expired. he was cynical about how the government hasn’t been doing much to help singaporeans and i don’t know if xenophobia would be entirely accurate but the discontentment with “foreigners taking our jobs” was a key argument. he didn’t even want to admit that he was a singaporean because he was ashamed that he had a masters but he was relegated to driving a grab.
2) a makeup artist. i noticed her makeup box and confirmed her career with her. we ended up talking about makeup for the entire 10 minute ride. she shared with me that her kat von d blue smoky eyeshadow look was because she’s currently on course and learning how to do stage makeup. it was a really pleasant conversation throwing all the names of the makeup brands we liked around in the backseat.
3) ended off my day with a rather pretentious asshole who is a sgx trader with a law degree. i like to think that i have an awkward button switch whereby i don’t feel awkward despite the silence, so i’m not sure if the conversation was actually painful. when i say pretentious asshole it doesn’t mean that i had a very painful conversation or that he was conceited, i guess it was just the general vibe. it started off with how we both got in the car at the same time, the driver said that he would drop me off first at my tutee’s condo and the other passenger commented “oh nice, that’s a nice place, pretty near mine” and i corrected him that i don’t actually stay that and that i was going there for tuition. i mentioned that i actually just finished one tuition so i was on the way to the second and he made a remark that implied that nowadays people are desperate for money. i didn’t like how he made that assumption so i replied “well i don’t take money from my parents so the money has to come from somewhere” and there was a very obvious silence. apart from that i think we actually sustained the conversation with the sharing of our degrees, where he’s working, where i’m going to work etc. in retrospect it really was a boring conversation relative to the second one, the driver must have been glad to be greeted with the silence in the backseat the second i got off the grab.
not sure why i’m writing. just felt the need to document i guess.
clairezy and i were having another one of those intense TOG conversations that we have been having since she started reading the book and fell in love with it. then it spiralled into me realizing that she actually has a secret blog and then we exchanged urls, something that i realized is a first for me. i don’t think any of my friends my age actually has a blog now or maybe i just never asked. after all i think half of my close friends still don’t even know about this wordpress.
i ended up binge reading her dayre and then i felt inspired to write. i was thinking of how our friendship was so unexpected and i really love how we text so often, even if it always ends up becoming a TOG gushing marathon of how we need a love like rowan and aelin. if you’re reading this, please read the throne of glass series. it’s amazing and beats harry potter hands down, and this is coming from a true harry potter fan who already owns all the books but still paid $60 to buy another set because “i want to own the series with the kids edition covers” if you’re sick of male leads and are into female leads who don’t take shit from males and know how to stand up for themselves… this book is 10/10!!! actually why am i even recommending it when only maximum 10 of my friends know this blog hahaha
i went off tangent again. i am always rambling, it’s a consistent thing on this wordpress.
my shower thoughts consisted of me making mental lists of the friendships i have now and realizing that i’m so thankful for the friendships that i have in my life right now. i also realized that over the years i let some friendships go and placed less value in some, and sometimes i do think “maybe i should made more effort” or “i shouldn’t have been too quick to let that friendship slip away” but what’s done is done and i’m thankful to God for clearly putting some people in my life and letting them stay
primary school: none
secondary school: char and jo
karate: wei and ya ting
jc: rach bb, theo, lyndi, zihui, sherrie, haein
uni: zijie, syl, weiyun, clairezy, zit, emz and ezzy
internship: qianhua, qiantong, sam and chim
and it’s really not about lists or being cautiously selective, i think i just realized over the years that when people matter, you make time for them. and most importantly, that friends that you used to love and always thought would be there in your life forever could really eventually leave and end up being a stranger. i’m 24 this year and there’s only 21 on this list, there are some friendships there that are certainly stronger than the ones that are newer, but i think these are the friends that i would really want to keep in my life and i really hope to strengthen these friendships and that in 5 years time all their names will still be on there.
there’s been a lot of friendships that i’ve lost over the years, names that used to appear in this wordpress however vaguely or not and i’ve made mistakes before of putting my pride first / not making enough effort in friendships that i assumed would always be strong / putting my relationships first over my friendships.
i went for my first cell group in 11 years last saturday and it was a reflection session. one of the questions was “what are some areas that you want to improve in your personal life?” and i didn’t write it down then, but i would add now that i’m really going to strive to be a better friend to those who really matter in my heart.
that children these days are really ill-mannered or simply that there is an utter lack of manners. i am people watching and i spot a p4 or p5 boy ordering popiah. he waves and greets the uncle before he gives his order. i find myself smiling because the children i find myself surrounded by, my tutees and their siblings, find it difficult to even say a simple “hello jie jie” to me. i understand even more so now why my mom harped on manners and made us develop the habit of even greeting our neighbors in the lift. i observe the boy longer and it occurs to me that i am looking a little creepy. then i see him walking up to his father and i feel so tempted to walk up to them and tell his father how i think he did a great job raising up his son to be so well-mannered.
almost immediately as that thought crosses my mind, another kid beside me demands a $1 from his mom and says “I WANT” to his grandmother’s chee chiong fan. it’s such a stark comparison and at such an interesting timing. the differences are so glaring and i cringe internally at the way he demands things from his mom. why do parents nowadays allow and condone such behavior? i don’t intend to be a parent but i’m certain that i would want my children to always comes from a place of kindness and have extremely good manners.
the thought of wanting to go up to the first boy’s father to compliment him reminded me of a lady i saw when my mom and i were on the train in bangkok a month ago.
i thought the way she carried herself with so much poise (note to self: stop slouching please!!!!) and elegance was so beautiful. i couldn’t stop staring and i told my mom “she’s so beautiful” the way she did her hair, the way her skin glowed and my mom and i were on some maxi dress craze at that point of time and her maxi dress just complemented her whole look. it was insane. i thought of how all those primary school fiction books that i used to read used phrases like “couldn’t take my eyes off her” and that was literally how i would describe it. i told my mom that i was tempted to just walk up to her to tell her how beautiful she is. but i let my self-consciousness get in the way. in the end we alighted before she did and all i did was send her major positive vibes. and also took creepy photos of her hahaha
i’m sipping on my teh bing and thinking that the third time such a thought crosses my mind of wanting to compliment a stranger, i’m just going to go ahead and do it.
it’s not getting any better. is this all in my head?
would it be an insult to those who are going through real mental disorders to claim that i think i have been suffering from mild depression? would it be ignorant to throw such a term so loosely around or to even allow yourself to think you are depressed?
so here we have it. it’s been 6 years with this blog. i started this when i was in jc. where my writing was flippant and i would lug my now deceased sony dslr around to take photos. it’s been a long time since then. when i started, it was a lot about studies and my ruminations or idle thoughts on what my purpose in life is / what is my direction. my worries of getting A’s at all in A levels. and then came the struggle to choose a university course when i actually did manage to get into one. and then the struggle with university. and now i’ve graduated.
and now 6 years on, i am writing as an officially unemployed person. i don’t know how it really makes me feel. the past week i wasn’t my self. i was a culmination of all the doubts and insecurities i had with moving forward. i was a cesspool of negativity and utter hopelessness. i still am a tiny swimming pool of that; i have 9 tabs open of job applications that i should have applied on tuesday but today is saturday. do you ever feel like you are a sim? i feel trapped. that i am destined to live this sim life – having to soon wake up at a certain timing to go to work on time, coming back and sometimes my sim meter indicates that i’m tired / i’m in a need for social interactions / i need to fulfil my hygiene meters. sometimes i read a book, sometimes i go over to a friend’s house. but at the end of the day, i return back to my bed. my eyes shut, i sleep, i wake up and the cycle merely changes a little but it is essentially, a sim life.
i feel hollow. i have been feeling apprhensive and immensely frightened. and unfortunately it feels that this blog has journeyed with me for 6 years but i am vastly still the same person; childlike and uncertain.
there is no ending to this. it has been a defeating week. and i know this is going to reoccur for the next few months and even years to come.
but i had a tiny light in this darkness just now when i read somebody’s blog post about an embroidery that she has been working on. it felt like a spark of excitement and realization that i still want to do so many things. i want to try embroiding too, i want to finish reading 50 books before the year ends, i want to learn the piano, i want to learn yoga and take up dance lessons. there still are many things to look forward to. i just need to focus on that. perhaps this sim life doesn’t need to be so dreary all the time.